Posts Tagged ‘single women’

Having been single for the majority of my 20’s, this is a question I’ve been asked more than a lot. I’ve read other blog posts and opinions about this question to find that it offends most single women. I’ll admit, for a time I did too. Some women take that question as a suggestion that something might be wrong with them. It wasn’t until I took some serious time off from the dating scene entirely to do some self-evaluation that I realized my being offended by the question was just my insecurity shining through. I almost felt like I was under attack when a man would ask me that. Fast-forward to the present and now the question doesn’t bother me so much as confuse me. I think it’s because I have a better understanding of the question and the intent behind it. Men usually ask a woman why she’s single because of one of the following reasons:

1. They’re generally dumb and don’t think before they ask.

2. They’re just making conversation. They’re not seriously looking for a profound answer.

3. In their mind they think it’s a pickup line or compliment: “Someone as beautiful as you, how is it possible you’re still single?” (So lame, I know…)

4. They’re out of dating practice and nervous.

Fellas, it’s all about your phrasing. It’s better to be more specific and say what you actually mean. I know that most of you aren’t implying that something is wrong with the woman when you ask her that but that’s not how it translates to us. Try asking her “Are you single by choice or you just haven’t met the right person yet?” or “Is there any specific reason why you’re single?” See men don’t realize what this question does to a single woman when left open-ended like that. You are basically asking her to self reflect on the spot. She has to search inside and look for the answer to your question. In searching she’s running through all her insecurities in her head thinking, “Damn, why am I still single?” She’s also thinking that you must be picking up on some flaw of hers for you to even ask her that.

Ladies, the men who ask you that probably don’t have a clue, and simply just don’t know how to talk to a woman. Although I still don’t totally understand the question, I do know he’s usually not implying that you’re ugly, stupid, or crazy. And the reason I don’t understand the question is because I think it’s one that doesn’t require explanation. Why can’t it just be something that just is? The same way I’m the youngest child, the same way my birthmark is where it is; these things just are. No one has ever asked me why I have two freckles on my nose. They’re just there in the same way that I’m just single 🙂 .

Not too long after starting my blog I did a post entitled She’s Just Not That Into You. I was asked to do one for women but haven’t gotten around to it until now. Honestly, I didn’t think women were as oblivious or in denial when recognizing a man is not into her. I was wrong. Following is a short list for the ladies to recognize when a man is not feeling her.

He doesn’t contact you. One might think this doesn’t require explaining but you would be surprised how many excuses a woman will dream up as to why the object of her affection doesn’t call or text her. I’ve heard it with my own ears: “I guess he must be going thru something.” “I don’t know why he hasn’t called me back yet. His phone must be turned off.” “I know he goes to the gym sometimes on Sundays. He must be working out.” Please! For the love of God stop kidding yourself. If a man wants to talk to you, he will do exactly that – talk to you! Point. Blank. Period.

He doesn’t make plans with you. If a man only makes plans with you when it works for his own schedule, and it doesn’t happen often, chances are he is just using you when he’s bored and no one else is available. You may be a space filler. If the only “dates” you have take place in the confines of one of your bedrooms, you are just a booty call. If he always has an excuse or is busy when you suggest an outing, he’s not into you. I don’t care how busy a man is; there are 24 hours in a day. If a man is really digging you, he will find or make the time to do something with you. How many times does it take for a woman to get shot down to realize this?

He openly talks to or about other women around you. I have found that if a man is really interested in you, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to admit if he’s seeing other women. On the other hand, a man who isn’t doesn’t mind boasting this information to you. A man who openly flirts with other women in your presence, honestly probably doesn’t even care about your feelings. A man who has full-blown conversations with other women (who probably do interest him) on the phone while you’re around might even be trying to blatantly let you know he’s not into you. It’s great to be open-minded and not be jealous but does a man really need to rub your face right in the pile for you to wake up and smell the bullshit?

He tells you. Here is another area where women love to dream up excuses. People will tell you through their actions how they really feel about you. Not calling, talking to other women, dodging you, these are all signs that he’s not into you. If that’s not enough, there’s the more direct approach. If a man outright tells you he’s not interested in you, there’s usually no hidden codes to decipher there. When he says, “I’m not really looking to get serious right now,” that should not translate to “He’s afraid of commitment. I think he’s just been hurt in the past and is scared now.” If he tells you he’s not feeling any chemistry, that doesn’t mean he wants you to open up more or whatever other poppycock you want to tell yourself. That means he’s not feeling YOU! I promise it’s not the end of the world. Accept it and move on.

Rejection is hard to handle. I get it. But we, as women, really need to get out of the habit of making excuses and living in delusion all because we want a person who may not be meant for us to have. I remember turning a man down some years back. I told him the truth, that I just wasn’t attracted to him. He told me something his mother had always told him, “Just because a person doesn’t find you attractive doesn’t make you any less attractive.” It’s stuck with me ever since and I think that can be applied for the inside and the outside.

My answer to this question is totally subjective and it’s my opinion. The answer is no. It is not the same. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, Is Being a Good Man Good Enough?” and a commenter asked this question. I decided to do a quick post answering the commenter’s question because there seems to be some confusion going around.

I see a lot of women get angry and they get their feelings hurt by this assumption. They mistakenly think that because they’ve been seeing a man consistently for a month or two that the man belongs to them. Because they’ve invested the time in getting to know one another and possibly start to develop feelings for this person, they assume they are in a relationship. Even worse, a lot of women assume they are the only one. Women also misunderstand having sex with a man as the beginning of their relationship. Hate to break it to ya, but no. All that means is that you’ve had sex.

Dating is just that – dating. It is the act of getting to know each other by going on dates and spending time together. A person can date multiple people at a time. I don’t see anything wrong with that, personally. Being in a relationship is different. It is beyond the dating stage. Two people in a relationship have an understanding and have made commitments that they have agreed to with each other. Usually in a relationship some type of exclusivity exists. I also think there would be a lot less heartbreak in the dating world if people (women really) understood the difference. Also, having the conversation with the other person to make sure you’re on the same page will eliminate a lot of confusion too. It’s important that you know and discuss whether you’re just dating or are, in fact, in a relationship. Ladies (and gentlemen to be fair), don’t set yourself up for heartbreak by placing relationship-type expectations on a person that you are only dating because there definitely is a difference.

 

“In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part).”

– Joy Browne, Dating for Dummies

thirstIf you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you’ve probably gathered by now that I have a nice amount of male friends. So if it seems like I go in on females more, it’s not that. It’s just that I have more access to the male perspective than the female perspective on things (outside of my own perspective that is). Plus it’s always fun to hear things and learn about situations from the male’s point of view.

One of my favorite topics to talk to men about is the female thirst. I always get a good laugh out of these conversations because I’m always shocked and surprised about just how forward, desperate, and straight thirsty females can be. I mean when it comes to men, we kind of expect a certain level of thirst. Sorry guys, but it’s true. When a female does it it’s an embarrassment to the entire gender and just plain sad. There’s nothing wrong with flirting but when you blatantly throw yourself at a man or do unnecessary things to get his attention it just looks bad.

I was talking to my friend last night and he told me about a woman at his school who was throwing herself at him in front of a whole group of people, no shame. He made a good point too. He said with the amount of attention females get from men trying to talk to them, push up, etc. there really is no reason why a female should have to do that. Now I understand there is a small group of men who like aggressive women who aren’t afraid to say what they want. But where do you cross the line of being a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it and just being straight thirsty? Ladies, there is a way to be subtle about it. You can reel in what/who you want without panting and drooling like a lap dog for the public to see. Over the past few weeks, I’ve taken notes from my male friends’ experiences and have witnessed the thirst of females live and in action for myself in different settings. Following is a short list of ways to identify if you have crossed the line of thirst as a woman:

  1. The Loud Girl: The loud girl in the group, I just want to chuck something at the back of her head personally. This happens when you’re out with your girls and you’ve spotted a pack of guys or maybe just one in particular. For some reason you feel the need to automatically adjust your voice level to super loud. You talk over all the rest of your friends. You talk unnecessarily with a lot of hand and neck movement hoping you will be noticed. And yes, you will be noticed but you should know that men run from women like you. Loud girl in the group translates to: “That bitch loud as hell. I can’t holler at her. She obviously requires too much attention, she talks too much, and will probably tell all our business.” Hey loud girl! Sit down somewhere and shut up Ms. Thirsty!
  2. Grabby hands: There is still hope for you. You are the woman who sees what she wants and is all over it immediately. You do the flirtatious tap n’ laugh. That is when you giggle at what he’s saying to you (even if it wasn’t funny) and find a reason to playfully tap the arm or chest area to low-key cop a feel. You physically hover and hang all over the man you want. You ask for hugs out of the blue for no apparent reason. You may ask inappropriate questions like: “Wow look at your arms. Can I touch?” or “Let me see your stomach”. Some of you are bold and will just go ahead and grab a cheek (not the one on the face either) if you’ve had enough to drink. While you have a better chance than the loud girl, you still ooze thirst from the pores. And you may get what/who you want but it will probably be just for that night.
  3. The Volunteer: You are the one who takes jokes too literal and too far. In some type of social setting a guy may say something that is sexual or just plain dumb jokingly or hypothetically and you are the one who responds like this: “Shoot don’t say that cause I’ll really do it” or “Dare me to?” You may also be an attention seeker. It’s like you’re a child all over again and the teacher asks a question. You’re in the front of the class where she can clearly see you raising your hand high and eagerly. Yet, you feel the need to whisper out with your mouth and heart “Pick me! Pick me!” You are willing to do whatever it takes to get a man’s attention once you’ve set your mind to it. You think men see you as real or daring. In actuality they just see you as dumb, thirsty, and possibly even desperate.
  4. The Questionnaire: You’re not actually that bad. You just don’t know how to tell when a man’s just not that into you. You are the one who asks a million and one questions to a man as an attempt to keep him engaged. He gives you short, evasive answers trying to give you the brush off politely. You may ask him something and his answer is “huh?” because he’s tuned you out and his sights are already elsewhere. Yet you continue to try to keep the conversation alive to show how interesting you can be. Know when to stop and just accept you may not always get the prize your eye is on. Once you’ve asked that 20th question, and not taken the hint that he’s not interested, you have now entered into ThirstLand and you also become annoying.
  5. Facebook Stalker: You’re kind of lame. You actually get excited when you’ve found your prey on Facebook. You are a different level of thirst. It’s one thing to be thirsty in person, at the initial meeting. It’s different to then take that thirst home with you and continue on from behind your computer screen. You look at every picture on their profile. You like a whole bunch of them. You try to analyze and figure out who’s who in their life by going to their friends’ pages. You like and/or comment on every single status update they post. You send private messages to them every time you see them online. You may ask them personal questions about their life in an attempt to dig deeper. When they respond with short, one-word answers or they don’t respond at all, you still continue with the questioning.

Well I could keep going but this post would be too long. Perhaps I will do a part two one day, but I think you get the idea. If you fit any of the above criteria, you may want to rethink your thirst level. And remember, this is not just my opinion. This list was compiled from the experiences of real, live men as well. Just something for you to think about…

Recently I’ve had the pleasure of meeting two smart, nice young ladies at an open mic event I went to. We went out to dinner afterwards and had an interesting conversation. It was about dating. Get a group of single women together and you know that topic is bound to come up lol. One lady is 26 and the other 28 (just to give you an idea). One of the women mentioned how she doesn’t give her number out to guys when they ask for it – even if she thinks she may be interested in the guy. Instead, she tells them where they can find her (i.e. church or “x” event) and if they’re really interested in getting to know her or seeing her again, they will show up. I thought it was a little different and asked her how come she doesn’t even give her number out if she’s interested in the guy and how are they supposed to get to know her if they can’t call her on the phone. Her point was basically that if the guy is really interested, then he will make the effort to come out and see her, court her properly, and get to know her in person wherever she may be.

The other woman and I agreed that perhaps we could stand to take a page out of her book. My question is: is that taking playing hard to get to the extreme? The second woman expressed her concern with playing hard to get as what if she misses out on “the one” because of it. She agreed that she also wanted to be courted properly but she said how come if two people like each other, why can’t they just come to each other and just say that.

The whole conversation made this one line from that old song, “I Got a Man” by Positive K, pop into my head. He’s talking to the female in the song and she’s not really interested and he says, “you play hard to get and you won’t get got”. Now I know that men enjoy a chase because they’ve told me so. Then there are other men who simply feel they don’t have time for that and why should they when there are other females out there who don’t really play hard to get. So this post is for the men. I’d like to know do you think the first woman I described is extreme or does this sound like a woman who knows what she wants and that you’d be willing to put in that type of effort to get to know her? I’d also like to know what is your idea of playing hard to get and at what point have you had enough of “the chase”? And when I say chase I mean you’re going after the lady who could be the potential Mrs. [enter your last name here], not chase as in just chasing some ass ;).

“Play hard to get. You should be.”

—   Addison Moore

“I realised that when someone plays hard to get, they are making themselves into a character in a story, and they choose the story that leads to the outcome they want.”

Scarlett Thomas

Hey blog family! I thought now would be as good a time as any to interject with a random post since I finished out the month of July already. I’m not sure what the topic for August will be just yet (guess I should decide soon) but I wanted to let all my readers know I’ve taken another step on my road as an aspiring writer. Yup, there’s a new place where you can check out some of the things I have to say. Yes, I’ll still be posting here weekly but I am now proud to announce I’m writing for RnBmagazine.com. It’s a magazine that comes out every other month. It caters to music, love, life, and relationships for women, but I’m sure the guys will find it informative as well. Below I’ve listed links to some of the posts I’ve written so far but please go on over to the site to browse around and support. Thanks in advance!

“If I Ain’t Got You” – RnB Reminiscing

Things You Can Do to Keep the Spice in Your Relationship

Yesterday was Nelson Mandela B-Day

*Update: I was finally able to figure out what I did wrong with this video. It was bugging the crap out of me. So here it is two months later (oh well) 🙂 :

Usually I like to finish off the month with a video where I recite my poetry. I just spent the past 36 hours recording, editing, losing, recovering, and trying to upload my video with no success. All my hard work down the drain…oh well. I can’t sit and dwell so here’s the next best thing. Below is the poem I wrote to close out this month’s topic of Single Ladies.


“Before I Settle Down”

Before I settle down…

Let me

Finish finding myself

Create my own idea of wealth

Solve this complicated equation of ME

Recognize my internal beauty

Uncover my heart’s true desires

Ignite my passions, light my fire

Get in tune with my spirit and soul

Mend this broken heart back to whole

Understand my privilege

Of living life so…let me live it

Before I settle down…

Can I

Window shop a little more

Make returns at love’s candy store

Float on cloud nine by way of trees

Shoot for the stars, stab at my dreams

Go a little insane

Conquer life’s game

Shop for shoes, treat myself

Nurse my psyche back to health

Learn something new, learn something useful

Like tricks of a trade so…can I allow me to do so?

Before I settle down…

I must

Work out some of these kinks

Allow myself this time to think

Get this body in tiptop shape

Flounder around in my mistakes

Keep a home, cook and clean

Calm my temper blow off steam

Drop dead weight, shed some layers

Solidify my team, pick my players

Press the clutch, get out of first gear

Assassinate and…I must murder my fears

Before I settle down…

I will

Earn my degree in the field of living

Master techniques of selfless giving

Explore until I get tired

Spark short fused and cross-wired

Dibble and dabble in whatever I please

Fall a few times, scrape my knees

Bounce back just like elastic

Recover from hurt and move past it

Hydrate my character and replenish

After all these things…I will settle down when I’m finished