Posts Tagged ‘sex’

5 Benefits of Celibacy: For Women

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Sex
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I know I’ve talked about sex a sprinkle here and there but I’ve never talked about not having sex. There have been several times in my life where I abstained from having sex, sometimes lasting for years at a time. I have to say, in all honesty, it is a wonderful feeling. I mean of course you have those moments when you feel frisky but once that passes, it really is a beautiful thing. Most people tie celibacy into religious vows or promises, but there are other reasons to experience celibacy outside of religion.

Redirection of energy: There’s a large amount of energy that goes into having sex. I’m not just speaking on physical terms. There is a lust energy and sometimes a guilt energy if you’re having sex under circumstances that you’re uncomfortable or unsure about. So when you go without sex, it gives you a chance to transform that energy into something else and direct to other areas of your life. For me, I find I’m way more focused on my life’s goals during times that I’m celibate. I take that pent up energy and direct it all into manifesting my dreams into reality. I also put it into working out, which I hate.

Frees mental space and allows you to see clearly: I don’t know about you, but when I have sex and it’s good sex, I think about it. I think about how great it was and I think about doing it again, especially if it’s with someone new. A lot of people think celibacy is just about the physical part of withdrawing from sex but it’s really about withdrawing from sex on all levels. When you’re having sex regularly, you think about it more often. When you stop, you don’t think about it as much. Therefore, it frees up some of that mental space to allow you think and meditate on other things of importance. It also allows you to really see the person(s) you may be dating. Often when you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, and it’s good, you’re blinded to other things about that person or about your relationship with that person. You may talk yourself into believing you have things in common with someone you really don’t or you may make excuses about things that would normally bother you about that person. When you remove sex, it allows you to really get to know that person and see them for the person they truly are a lot quicker.

Discover your body: I swear I learn something new about my body each time I withdraw from sex for long periods of time. And it’s always something awesome and something I can use to better my sex life when I do return to having a sexual relationship. Spending time with yourself sexually is no different than taking time to yourself to think or having a “me day”. It’s all about time to yourself to learn more about yourself. This part of yourself just happens to be your body.

Snap back and cleanse: People may not know this or believe this or perhaps never thought about it but whenever you have sex with someone, you exchange spiritual DNA. I’m not talking about physical body fluids. There is a part of that person’s sexual spirit and energy left in you. Whether you believe it or not, spirits have the ability to manifest and transform into other things. So if the last person you had sex with is a person you regret, you need time to have their energy cleansed from you. On the physical side, you need time to let your sexual organs snap back. I don’t know how else to put it, but nobody likes a loosey goosey :). So when you take long breaks it gives your vaginal canal and walls time to contract back to its original state. That way the next person you’re intimate with doesn’t feel like he’s having sex with a hallway lol.

Buildup: This might just be the best part, okay maybe 2nd to redirection of energy. Think of it this way. What is your favorite food? Now think about eating that every single day, maybe sometimes twice a day. After while wouldn’t you get kind of tired of it? But if you only eat it every now and then, when you taste it it’s like having it for the first time. You may almost forget how good it tastes, but when you finally do it’s like heaven. Sex after long periods of celibacy is the same way. It feels great! Because it hasn’t become a daily or weekly monotonous routine, it almost feels like a brand new experience – for you and for him. I remember making bottle rockets in this forensic science class I took in college once. We had to keep packing and packing the rocket with gun powder all the way to the brim to make sure there was enough to blast it from the ground. It’s just like that. It’s as though you’ve packed and packed and packed your body with an enormous amount of sexual energy. When it’s time for blast off…well I think you get it :).

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I can’t tell you how many guys over the years have tried to get in my pants and have sex with me. I’ll be honest. Some succeeded. Most did not. But I can tell you exactly how many men have ever asked me if I have or have ever had any STDs. That answer is one. Yes, you read correctly. Only one man has ever initiated the sex talk with me. In all other cases I have always had to be the one to start the conversation. This is 2013, how can this still be happening?

I’ve even asked why they didn’t ask me. I swear if I hear one more man say to me “because I can tell you’re not a hoe by the way you carry yourself and you look clean,” I may just backslap somebody. With all the awareness that is out today via school, media, etc., I can’t believe people – GROWN PEOPLE (and so-called “educated” people) still think like this. Must I really state the obvious? You can’t tell by someone’s cleanliness if they have a disease or not! Pardon my French but the coochie can smell like Pine Sol and she can still have something. In addition, you don’t know if a person is a hoe or not. All you know is what they tell you. Even married people catch STDs! No one is exempt people! Now I’m talking about men only because I’m a woman and this has been my experience. However, I know not all women initiate the conversation either. I have girlfriends who have had one-night stands, sex on the first night, etc., and I know the talk didn’t happen. So I know it’s not just men.

Now for all the smart people who may be asking by now, “Well shouldn’t you be using condoms anyway?” YES!! Of course you should! I still think the talk needs to happen though. Condoms break. Condoms also aren’t 100% effective. I also love how we like to forget or pretend like you can’t get an STD through foreplay. Let’s be real here. Raise your hand if you’ve never ever been tempted to have unprotected sex … Go ahead … I’ll wait … Exactly what I thought! I can’t believe people still actually believe that you have to be out here hoeing around to catch a disease. It only takes one time with one person, folks.

Do people lie? Of course they do, especially if they’re embarrassed to admit they’ve been burnt before. So you may be asking what good is having the talk anyway? It’s called due diligence. Who knows, maybe your partner was waiting to have the conversation too but was too scared or embarrassed or whatever. Not sure what to say? Here are a few tips:

  • Do you have any STDs?
  • Have you ever had any STDs? If so, what? When? Were you treated?
  • When is the last time you had unprotected sex?
  • When was your last STD test? What were the results? Do you have a copy I can see?
  • Can we go get tested together?
  • What the hell is that rash right there? (Ok, this was just to make you laugh but seriously you should question anything that looks out of the norm)

The hardest part is starting the dialogue. Forget about how uncomfortable you may feel or make the other person feel asking questions. Instead, think about your health and well-being. Bel Biv DeVoe said it best, “Never trust a big butt and a smile.” 🙂

 


sex machineWhen you hear the term “sex machine” you probably think it’s a good thing. You may be thinking this individual is one who has a lot of sex or maybe has great stamina allowing them to have sex for long periods of time. This was before someone invented an actual sex machine of course. I have a slightly different definition of the sex machine. Ok, actually my definition is completely different. The sex machine is a man who is super bland in the bedroom. He is mechanical in his approach to sex and therefore, a machine. He has no bag of tricks and brings little to no variation into the bedroom. It doesn’t matter if she is big, small, short, or tall. It doesn’t matter if it’s Christina, Rasheeda, Linda, or Susie. The way in which he chooses to sex each one will always be the same, robotic.

He doesn’t see sex with each woman as a different experience. He sees it as a robotic or mechanical task, and approaches it the same way each time. He never takes time to ask her questions to find out what she likes or doesn’t like. He assumes all women like the same thing when it comes to sex. He believes that whatever works for one will work for the other. Or he may not even be thinking of the woman at all. He may only be thinking of himself. His own satisfaction is all that matters and so each time he will do whatever is a sure shot to achieve his own satisfaction. So I ask, might you be a sex machine sir? Unsure? Well below are three simple ways to find out:

  1. Have all of your sexual encounters been choreographed? Think about it. What is a choreographed dance? It’s a routine. It’s the same steps that can be done over and over. The sex machine is known for doing this with his sex routine, whether it’s intentional or not. If you have set sexual positions that you do every single time with little variations, then you probably are a sex machine. Unless your partner(s) is a sex machine too, it is quite possible she may become bored with you. Don’t be afraid to go crack open the Kama Sutra and try something different. And if you care even a little at all about whether she is satisfied or not, don’t be afraid to ask her what she wants to try or what gets her going. Don’t be selfish and assume that just because your same 3 lame sex positions get you off that they’re satisfying her as well.
  2. Have you ever left the bedroom? If the answer to this is no, then you may very well be a sex machine. In the bed, in the bedroom is the most obvious place to have sex. It is also the most traditional/common/BORRRRRINGGG!!! I’m not saying you need to go get it in on the top of the Empire State Building or anything but having sex in the same place every single time is like eating the same exact thing for dinner every single night. It gets mundane after a while. Sex machines have little to no imagination so it’s hard for you to think outside of the bedroom. I know. The key again is to switch up the repetitive routine. You’d be surprised how having sex somewhere new or somewhere you’re not supposed to will turn your lady on.
  3. Are you easily fooled by theatrics? Simply put, can you tell when a woman is faking it? This is important because guys, we are really good at it. The sex machine either doesn’t know or he does know but doesn’t care because the fake moans and groans are just fake mechanical noises that aid in this whole robotic experience. Fellas, if your lady’s moans are too loud or they don’t even match her facial expressions, then it’s quite possible she’s faking it. If you know you’re not putting in that much work and she’s loud enough for the neighbors to hear, she’s probably faking it. If you suddenly stop and the moans automatically shut off, then she’s definitely faking it. Your mechanical sex moves have become an automatic on/off switch for her fake, mechanical moaning. It works the same way if she’s just lying there not saying anything while you’re busy plowing away. What this means is that you have become so predictable in your mechanical maneuvers that she knows in her head if she can just lay there long enough for you to get through mechanical moves “A”, “B”, and “C” then the whole charade will soon all be over.

So fellas, the next time you’re referred to as a sex machine you may want to think twice about it. If you fall into any of the categories I just described above, being called a “sex machine” may not be the compliment you think it is.

I know this topic has been discussed on several platforms and discussed again. For whatever reason, it’s a topic that never dies down. So I’m jumping on the bandwagon and talking about it too 🙂 ! A while back a male friend and I were talking about this. He asked me why women lie about being celibate and why they lie about the number of sex partners they’ve had. My answer to him was that women lie about being celibate because they think it will make them more desirable or seem more lady-like. I said they lie about the number of people they’ve slept with because of the stigma attached to having too many sexual partners. That is my opinion.

I went on to explain that everywhere you look, men refer to women as hoes, sluts, whores, and being loose when they have several sexual partners. Once it comes to air that they’ve had “too many” sexual partners they become only good for sex and nothing more than that. Well no woman wants to knowingly be labeled as only being good for lying on her back. So she feels the need to lie. Basically, women think that men will think less of them for sleeping around and they do. That is also why a lot of women won’t admit to having a freakier side or high sexual appetites.

I am not going to ask the typical question of how come when women sleep around they’re a hoe, etc. but when men do it it’s acceptable. That one has been ran into the ground and I do somewhat agree with the double standard that lies there. My question is how come men view women who have a lot of sex partners in a derogatory way? How come they just don’t see them as women with healthy sexual appetites who enjoy sex, enjoy having different experiences with different men, and aren’t afraid to explore their sexual feelings? So long as she is being safe, why does that have to be a bad thing and why do men pretend like they don’t like women like this? They obviously do because I’m sure these women didn’t get to their high number of sex partners by having sex with themselves! If you don’t think a woman is a hoe for having a lot of sexual partners, what do you think of her? I’d also like to know, do men really get turned off by women with a high number of sex partners or is it all an act?

In this day and age, the twenty-first century woman is becoming more and more liberal. For decades women have fought to have equal rights as men. In 2012 a woman can do pretty much any job a man can do. They are no longer content with being stay-at-home moms and wives. In many situations today, the woman is the breadwinner; enter “Mr. Mom”. Women can vote, get an education to the highest degree, run corporations, fix cars, and more. However, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Although taboo to think, or even say out loud, over the past three decades or so, women have elevated to an equal playing field when it comes to sex too. Men have always been allowed, and even expected, to sew their wild oats. However, the good ol’ double standard impresses upon us the belief that women should stay virgins until they are married or at least have a minimal amount of partners. Whether it is due to religion or tradition; it just is.

What society fails to notice, or maybe just fails to acknowledge, is that women have just as much of a sexual appetite as men. They think about it just as much as men do. Just like men, they discuss it in detail with their close circle of friends too.

So now we have the “sex with no strings” woman. This type of woman has been around for a while, but in recent years she has been more publicized through reality TV, video vixens, etc. Is this because women are becoming more comfortable with their sexuality or is it just the fact that sex sells? I don’t know. Either way, she’s arrived.

I am not talking about the broke scallywag chic that just gets around the hood because she has nothing better to do with her life or her coochie. I’m talking about the new age independent woman who has everything she wants and needs and can buy whatever she doesn’t. She carries herself like a lady, but behind closed doors she enjoys “gettin’ buck” (to put it plainly). Mr. Right may have not found her yet or she might just be a bachelorette by choice.

Speaking from experience, I would agree that the single life could get lonely sometimes. We all know that no amount of cash can hug you back at night, and Mr. Rabbit doesn’t compare to the real deal. So I can understand a woman wanting to get her cobwebs knocked out from time to time. The “sex with no strings” woman believes she can, like a man, have sex with a man and it be just about that. No phone call the next day is necessary.  She may even have a “friend with benefits”, but is she really happy or ok with this? Is she just telling herself she’s ok with it through justification?

What is she thinking when she finds some fresh meat she likes? Is it “I can hit it n quit it. Men do it all the time!” or is it “I don’t know if I really want to do this, but what other choice do I have at the moment? It’s not like I have a boyfriend.” I mean what is really going through her mind the next morning? Is it “Mmmm that was just what I needed! I feel refreshed!” or is it more like “I can’t believe I did that sh*t last night! What was I thinking?” I think that if it’s a one-night stand (not speaking from experience), she can probably be ok with it because she doesn’t know the guy and hopefully she’ll never have to see him again. Plus, it’s not like she’d fall in love or have a real emotional attachment to the guy the very first night. Right?

However, what about the “friend with benefits”? Does that work the same way? I would think not, because they have another relationship outside of the sex. That means not only is she going to see him outside of the bedroom, but she’ll be expected to carry on as normal. Not to mention, there is no exclusivity in most cases. So she also has to be prepared to hear him talk about and see him with other women. I believe women are territorial beings by nature. So how could that not bother her? In addition, if they’re already friends she already must hold some fond feelings for him.

Well I guess she can “offset” the friend with benefits by keeping a team or “roster” of other casual encounters. Maybe? Or does that just make her a common, casual hoe? A single guy who keeps a roster of women is just a regular ol’ single guy right?

Either way, the point I’m making is that I don’t think women are naturally built to have sex with no strings attached. Women are emotional creatures by nature. That’s why we get upset over silly stuff, have mood swings, and cry all the time. Duh! That’s why women who play “the other woman” role get caught up and end up falling for that married man. They think they have control over their emotions and the situation, but at some point they catch feelings and want more. I do, however, think a woman can probably have sex with no strings and be ok only if she doesn’t really know the man or doesn’t really like the man. Let’s be real, how many of us are going to have sex with someone we don’t like?

So I leave you with this: Is a woman really able to separate her emotions from sex with a man? If she is, is she really and truly happy with living her life having sex with no strings attached or is she simply just trying to convince her self of that for the sake of keeping up with the single man – the “anything you can do, I can do better” mentality?