Archive for the ‘Single Men’ Category

“I believe women sometimes forget some men where brought up to love, to care, and to have a little bit of emotion.” These are the words of one of my male readers who suggested I blog about this. Ladies, ladies, ladies I have to say be careful what you ask for. You might just get it 🙂 ! Women often say they want a man who is more on the sensitive side, a man who is in touch with his emotions, a man who is not afraid to show how much he loves and cares. So when you get all of this why is it a problem? Below I’ve listed out a few reasons why it’s a problem.

Women don’t know what they want: Yeah, I said it. We say we want good men. But when we get one, we’re bored because he’s not as exciting as the bad boy. We say we want a strong manly man. Yet, we don’t want to be submissive or relinquish any control. We still need it to be known we’re just as strong and independent. In the same way, we say we want a man with sensitivity but when we get one he’s just too damn soft. All of a sudden he’s just not man enough.

Balance is key: Okay, so yes, we want some sensitivity. But there has to be some balance. We don’t want you being soft all the time. Being sensitive and caring doesn’t have to mean being a “yes man”. It doesn’t mean you have to save the entire world every single day. You can take some days off from being Mr. Nice Guy. We don’t want to see you crying over every little thing. We want you to do things like listen and be affectionate and sentimental when it’s time but we also want you to pull our hair, smack us on the ass, and tell us to hush (in that non-disrespectful playful type of way) every now and again. Don’t be so loving and caring of everyone that you’re just an overall pushover.

The “who” plays a part: When you say you were brought up to love and care, who are you talking about? Sure, we want you to be that way with us but not the entire world; at least not all the time. Family is important and of course they should be able to count on you but you can’t save every single mother, brother, sister, cousin, uncle from every single bind they’re in. Sometimes you need to step back and let them fly on their own instead of being so engrossed in helping them that you let your own love boat sink. Also, the hot, single, M.I.L.F. from next door doesn’t need too much of your love and caring either. She needs someone to cut her grass. Tell her to hire landscapers. When a woman says she wants a man with sensitivity and who cares and all that jazz, she intends for that sensitivity to be directed towards her.

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nice guys

When I asked for blog suggestions, one of my male friends suggested this topic. I told him I’d have to do some research because I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t even realize that women are leery of good guys. So now I turn to you, my readers. Why are women leery of good guys? Is it because they’ve been hurt in the past by so-called “good guys”? Is it because they seem too good to be true? Perhaps these women are so used to failed relationships or meeting the wrong types of guys that when they meet a good one they’re just looking for that fatal flaw or waiting for him to reveal his true self. Or is it that women are not leery at all? Maybe good guys just aren’t exciting enough for them. I’ve seen it before. A woman has a good guy in her life, willing to do all the right things that go into treating a lady like a lady. But for some reason she’s just not interested. She rather go after, or stick with, the guy who treats her like crap. The guy who is disrespectful or the guy who lies and cheats or the guy who is just a flat out bum seems to reap more benefits. I touched on this a little bit in my post Laws of Attraction. Maybe some women subconsciously desire and enjoy being mistreated by men. Or is it simply just the laws of nature that nice guys finish last? You tell me.

My answer to this question is totally subjective and it’s my opinion. The answer is no. It is not the same. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, Is Being a Good Man Good Enough?” and a commenter asked this question. I decided to do a quick post answering the commenter’s question because there seems to be some confusion going around.

I see a lot of women get angry and they get their feelings hurt by this assumption. They mistakenly think that because they’ve been seeing a man consistently for a month or two that the man belongs to them. Because they’ve invested the time in getting to know one another and possibly start to develop feelings for this person, they assume they are in a relationship. Even worse, a lot of women assume they are the only one. Women also misunderstand having sex with a man as the beginning of their relationship. Hate to break it to ya, but no. All that means is that you’ve had sex.

Dating is just that – dating. It is the act of getting to know each other by going on dates and spending time together. A person can date multiple people at a time. I don’t see anything wrong with that, personally. Being in a relationship is different. It is beyond the dating stage. Two people in a relationship have an understanding and have made commitments that they have agreed to with each other. Usually in a relationship some type of exclusivity exists. I also think there would be a lot less heartbreak in the dating world if people (women really) understood the difference. Also, having the conversation with the other person to make sure you’re on the same page will eliminate a lot of confusion too. It’s important that you know and discuss whether you’re just dating or are, in fact, in a relationship. Ladies (and gentlemen to be fair), don’t set yourself up for heartbreak by placing relationship-type expectations on a person that you are only dating because there definitely is a difference.

 

“In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part).”

– Joy Browne, Dating for Dummies

Do you remember that movie, He’s Just Not That Into You? It was geared more towards women who cling on to the idea and hope that the man they’ve had their eye on feels the same way about them. They miss all the signs and clues that he’s not actually interested. Well apparently this is not just an issue with females. Within this past week alone I’ve had conversations with two different men about this very topic. They expressed their uncertainties with me about being able to tell if the females they were dating were really as interested in them as they were.

Guys, I’m going to tell you just like I told one of the men I had these conversations with this week. If a woman is into you, you will know it. Even the shyest of the shyest woman will find ways to drop hints that let you know she’s interested. However, just in case you still feel like you’re unsure the following are just a few things to look out for that will let you know she may just not be interested in you.

  • No Communication: If you are the one initiating all the contact, she’s probably not into you. If she never calls or texts you first, it’s a clear sign that you’re really not on her mind. Sure, women may be polite and respond to your texts/calls if you initiate but you should never be the one always reaching out.
  • Buddy-Ol’ Friend-Ol’ Pal: If you ask a woman how she feels about you or where she sees your relationship going, and she says something like “I see us being really good friends”, yeah she’s probably not into you. Sometimes you won’t even have to ask the question. She’ll find some other way to let you know you’ve fallen into the friend zone. Don’t sit and dwell. The friend zone is not a bad place to be. A lot of couples start out as friends and blossom from there. Or she might have a gang of gorgeous friends that you may hit it off with better.
  • No Compliments: Okay, this may not apply with all women because some people in general just won’t throw you a bone no matter how good you look. But if a woman never tells you you’re handsome, cute, attractive, sexy, etc. she’s probably not attracted to you. She may never be attracted to you. Especially if you’re constantly giving her compliments and she never returns them. Sure, she might find you “nice” or “cool” but there’s a good chance she may not be into you in the same way you are into her.
  • Cancellations: This one really should be a no brainer but speaking from experience some men still don’t catch on. If a woman keeps cancelling dates on you or finding reasons why she can’t make a date with you, there is no question about it. She’s definitely not into you. No one is that busy. I promise :). I’d say after the second cancelled date or attempt at making a date, just leave it alone.

The point I’d like to leave you with is that it’s really not as hard as some men think it is to tell if a woman is into you or not. Read the signs. Don’t be in denial and just be honest with yourself. If a woman isn’t interested in you, it’s not the end of the world.

I think men have given up on putting in the effort to impress a woman. Part of this may be because they feel like they shouldn’t have to. A woman should just like you for you. Right? I agree, but the other part is that there is the misconception that women want you to jump through hoops and drop a ton of cash on them to be impressed. Sure, that might be the case for a high maintenance, gold digging, materialistic female. For the grounded, average woman it just isn’t so. The following are just a few simple ways to show the lady of your interest that you’re into her and care about her:

1.    Listen:

This is so easy it should be a no brainer. Women like to talk. Sometimes we vent to you because no one else is around at the moment or because we want you to care about what is going on in our world. Yes, we tend to get caught up on details that you could care less about. We can’t help it so just deal with it. It’s so frustrating to be halfway through a story and then realize you’re not even paying attention to us. Stay engaged in what we’re telling you. Give more feedback than just “wow” or “uh huh” or “for real?” Ask us questions about the story we’re telling you so we know you’re actually interested in what we’re saying. Follow up with us. The next day or so after we’ve went on and on with whatever story, ask us “So what happened with that situation at work?” or “I was thinking about your problem and a suggestion came to me”. This makes us think in our heads “Aww he actually was listening and he does care.” It reassures us that we can count on you for a listening ear.

2.    Compliment Us:

Something you should know is that women never get tired of hearing compliments. I promise you that never gets old. Tell us we’re beautiful or you like our outfit. This is especially important after you’ve won us over and you’ve been together for a while. Often times once the guy gets the girl, all the niceties stop. That shouldn’t be. The best two times to compliment your lady of interest is when she expects one and when she least expects one. What I mean is, if you know she’s trying a new look, is dressed up for a special occasion, or is wearing a new outfit for the first time, a little reassurance that the ensemble she has spent time putting together (often times to impress you anyway) will be taken as a job well done. The other extreme is when she feels she’s at her worst. When she just came from a jog, when she’s dressed in rags cleaning the house, or when her makeup is off and has her hair wrapped up for the night, stop her in her tracks, grab her by the hand, and tell her she’s beautiful!

3.    Remind Us How You Feel:

This feels so great when it’s done out of the blue. Send her a text or call her out of the blue and tell her how you feel about her, even if you’ve already told her before. Nothing makes us feel more warm and fuzzy inside than you calling and saying “I just wanted to tell you I care about you” or “I just called to remind you how much I love you” or “I just need you to know how much I appreciate you and our relationship”. When caught off guard by these simple reminders, it immediately turns us to putty.

4.    Cook:

It doesn’t have to be a five-course meal or anything too fancy. If all you know how to make is a peanut butter n’ jelly sandwich, I promise if you “dress it up” right with your best presentation we will appreciate it. It’s more about the effort than the actual meal. All women love men who can cook or are at least willing to try every now and then.

5.    Show Support:

When we share our dreams and aspirations with you, don’t just take it as conversation to pass the time. A lot of men just let that stuff go in one ear and out the other pretending to care. Instead, how about showing some interest? Tell us that you believe in what we’re trying to do. If possible, offer suggestions that will help us achieve our dreams. If we should stumble or reach a challenging point during the process, be our cheerleader. Tell us that we have what it takes to do whatever it is. Yes, our confidence should lie within ourselves first but it builds that confidence even more when we know you have our back and are rooting for us to succeed. I believe one of the foundations of a successful relationship is supporting each other in what you want to do in life and it starts in the dating phase.

Below I put together a quick list off the top of my head of things that are automatic turn offs for me and other women I’ve talked to when dealing with men. Guys have a look. If you do any of these things it could be why you don’t get any play from the ladies.

1.    Cat Calling:

Yelling out “Yerrrrp!” “Ayooo!”, or even “Psssst” will pretty much cause the same reaction in all women when they hear that from you guys. We will roll our eyes and continue walking. A teen girl might turn around and respond to that but a woman will not. We are not your dog or any other pet. Please do not call out to us like we are. You are blatantly putting your level of class on front street when you do that. You would have much better luck with a simple “Excuse me Miss” or “Hi how you doing?”

2.    Having A Run Down Appearance:

No, looks are not the most important thing but let’s be real. The initial attraction one has to another is usually the physical. You like what you see so you go after it. If you look like you just woke up and didn’t even bother to give you’re appearance any effort, we most likely won’t give you any effort either. No need to look like you just stepped out of GQ but at least look presentable if you expect a woman to give you the time of day. Keep your hair cut, twisted, braided, or whatever it is you’re doing to it. Clean your shoes! You don’t have to be balling and have a bunch of different pairs of shoes. Just clean the ones you have! I remember my brother breaking out the cleanser, water, and toothbrush on the regular to keep his sneakers fresh. You can buy shoe polish very cheap to keep your dress shoes clean too. There is no reason for your footgear to look run down. If you don’t care enough to take the time to do these small things for your appearance it lets us know that you probably won’t put a lot of effort in with us after you get us either.

3.    Bragging:

I can’t speak for all women on this one but for me bragging is very annoying. Women who are easily impressed by status and material things may not mind it as much. Women of substance will. I met up with this guy for the first time a few months ago (purely out of boredom lol). He just kept going on and on about how he had all these passports and how much he traveled, and how successful his business was, and how great he was at sex. YES! He actually went on for a good ten minutes about how he was so good at sex. Usually if you have to brag about things like this it says one of two things. Either you are really shallow and superficial and assume that we are too. That, or you are really insecure or lacking in some areas of your life so you need to boast to make yourself look good. You feel a need to impress. Most braggers are embellishers anyway and a smart woman will see right through this. So please just stop it.

4.    Bad Breath:

This is self-explanatory and should be a given. Still, there are a lot you guys out there running ramped with halitosis breath. I can’t tell you how many times I might’ve found a guy interesting and cute but every time he opened his mouth it killed it for me, especially the close talkers. I have met so many like this that for a minute I started doubting my own breathe wondering if it was me. Nope, it wasn’t me. I don’t know what they’re putting or not putting in toothpaste these days but it clearly is failing some of you. Besides brushing, gargling, and flossing, the only thing I can tell you is the same thing I told the single ladies. Keep some gum and/or candy on hand. I would suggest popping in a fresh piece right before you approach your target. It’s just cruel to subject us to those types of conditions.

5.    Stuntin’:

Fellas, it’s just not worth it. Riding around in a rental car pretending it’s yours is just lame. At some point we are going to realize you don’t own it. Wearing big fake chains and watches and spending $300 on some fly sneakers to look flashy is WAAAAACK! Once we find out you live in a dump and you can barely afford the stuff you’re wearing, you’ll just end up looking ignorant and silly to us. From the female’s perspective it has nothing to do with gold digging but everything to do with false first impressions. It’s just more annoying than anything.

Hear me loud and clear guys! EITHER YOU ARE SINGLE OR YOU ARE NOT! There is no in between. I remember a few years back a friend and I went to this carnival. We were standing in line so she could get some funnel cake. Two guys got in line behind us and one of them started hitting on me. I turned around and was pleasantly surprised at what I saw. So we started chatting but there was something a little strange. He was talking to me very sneakily. He looked almost scared like he had just escaped from prison and was nervous about getting caught or something. Just when we were about to exchange numbers this girl pops out the woodworks, gets in between us, and starts yelling in his face. I was sooooo confused. At first I thought she was just joking with him until she turned around to face me. That’s when I asked him if that was his girlfriend and he sheepishly said “yeah” as he looked down at his shoes. She was all ready to beat my ass next, poor me the innocent victim in all this (and she was a big one too). Thankfully no fights took place but could you imagine?

Fellas, it is so annoying to be lied to or led on. Don’t lie about being single please. It’s just not worth it. It just creates unnecessary aggravation and headache for all parties involved. If you have a girlfriend, you are not single. If you’re separated from your wife, you are not single. If you live with your baby’s mama, you are not single. The decision is yours to be single or not. No one holds you hostage in a relationship. So if you know you’re not ready to commit to one person, then don’t. For you married men, who are separated, close one chapter before you open another. Get that divorce finalized first before you start yelling from the mountaintops that you’re back on the market.

Not every woman can handle this kind of truth, but I have much more respect for the man who is open and honest letting me know he’s not ready to be exclusive yet and is dating multiple women. At least he is playing fair and allowing me the chance to decide whether I want to continue seeing him or not knowing all the facts.