Archive for the ‘Single Ladies’ Category

“I believe women sometimes forget some men where brought up to love, to care, and to have a little bit of emotion.” These are the words of one of my male readers who suggested I blog about this. Ladies, ladies, ladies I have to say be careful what you ask for. You might just get it 🙂 ! Women often say they want a man who is more on the sensitive side, a man who is in touch with his emotions, a man who is not afraid to show how much he loves and cares. So when you get all of this why is it a problem? Below I’ve listed out a few reasons why it’s a problem.

Women don’t know what they want: Yeah, I said it. We say we want good men. But when we get one, we’re bored because he’s not as exciting as the bad boy. We say we want a strong manly man. Yet, we don’t want to be submissive or relinquish any control. We still need it to be known we’re just as strong and independent. In the same way, we say we want a man with sensitivity but when we get one he’s just too damn soft. All of a sudden he’s just not man enough.

Balance is key: Okay, so yes, we want some sensitivity. But there has to be some balance. We don’t want you being soft all the time. Being sensitive and caring doesn’t have to mean being a “yes man”. It doesn’t mean you have to save the entire world every single day. You can take some days off from being Mr. Nice Guy. We don’t want to see you crying over every little thing. We want you to do things like listen and be affectionate and sentimental when it’s time but we also want you to pull our hair, smack us on the ass, and tell us to hush (in that non-disrespectful playful type of way) every now and again. Don’t be so loving and caring of everyone that you’re just an overall pushover.

The “who” plays a part: When you say you were brought up to love and care, who are you talking about? Sure, we want you to be that way with us but not the entire world; at least not all the time. Family is important and of course they should be able to count on you but you can’t save every single mother, brother, sister, cousin, uncle from every single bind they’re in. Sometimes you need to step back and let them fly on their own instead of being so engrossed in helping them that you let your own love boat sink. Also, the hot, single, M.I.L.F. from next door doesn’t need too much of your love and caring either. She needs someone to cut her grass. Tell her to hire landscapers. When a woman says she wants a man with sensitivity and who cares and all that jazz, she intends for that sensitivity to be directed towards her.

Having been single for the majority of my 20’s, this is a question I’ve been asked more than a lot. I’ve read other blog posts and opinions about this question to find that it offends most single women. I’ll admit, for a time I did too. Some women take that question as a suggestion that something might be wrong with them. It wasn’t until I took some serious time off from the dating scene entirely to do some self-evaluation that I realized my being offended by the question was just my insecurity shining through. I almost felt like I was under attack when a man would ask me that. Fast-forward to the present and now the question doesn’t bother me so much as confuse me. I think it’s because I have a better understanding of the question and the intent behind it. Men usually ask a woman why she’s single because of one of the following reasons:

1. They’re generally dumb and don’t think before they ask.

2. They’re just making conversation. They’re not seriously looking for a profound answer.

3. In their mind they think it’s a pickup line or compliment: “Someone as beautiful as you, how is it possible you’re still single?” (So lame, I know…)

4. They’re out of dating practice and nervous.

Fellas, it’s all about your phrasing. It’s better to be more specific and say what you actually mean. I know that most of you aren’t implying that something is wrong with the woman when you ask her that but that’s not how it translates to us. Try asking her “Are you single by choice or you just haven’t met the right person yet?” or “Is there any specific reason why you’re single?” See men don’t realize what this question does to a single woman when left open-ended like that. You are basically asking her to self reflect on the spot. She has to search inside and look for the answer to your question. In searching she’s running through all her insecurities in her head thinking, “Damn, why am I still single?” She’s also thinking that you must be picking up on some flaw of hers for you to even ask her that.

Ladies, the men who ask you that probably don’t have a clue, and simply just don’t know how to talk to a woman. Although I still don’t totally understand the question, I do know he’s usually not implying that you’re ugly, stupid, or crazy. And the reason I don’t understand the question is because I think it’s one that doesn’t require explanation. Why can’t it just be something that just is? The same way I’m the youngest child, the same way my birthmark is where it is; these things just are. No one has ever asked me why I have two freckles on my nose. They’re just there in the same way that I’m just single 🙂 .

Not too long after starting my blog I did a post entitled She’s Just Not That Into You. I was asked to do one for women but haven’t gotten around to it until now. Honestly, I didn’t think women were as oblivious or in denial when recognizing a man is not into her. I was wrong. Following is a short list for the ladies to recognize when a man is not feeling her.

He doesn’t contact you. One might think this doesn’t require explaining but you would be surprised how many excuses a woman will dream up as to why the object of her affection doesn’t call or text her. I’ve heard it with my own ears: “I guess he must be going thru something.” “I don’t know why he hasn’t called me back yet. His phone must be turned off.” “I know he goes to the gym sometimes on Sundays. He must be working out.” Please! For the love of God stop kidding yourself. If a man wants to talk to you, he will do exactly that – talk to you! Point. Blank. Period.

He doesn’t make plans with you. If a man only makes plans with you when it works for his own schedule, and it doesn’t happen often, chances are he is just using you when he’s bored and no one else is available. You may be a space filler. If the only “dates” you have take place in the confines of one of your bedrooms, you are just a booty call. If he always has an excuse or is busy when you suggest an outing, he’s not into you. I don’t care how busy a man is; there are 24 hours in a day. If a man is really digging you, he will find or make the time to do something with you. How many times does it take for a woman to get shot down to realize this?

He openly talks to or about other women around you. I have found that if a man is really interested in you, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to admit if he’s seeing other women. On the other hand, a man who isn’t doesn’t mind boasting this information to you. A man who openly flirts with other women in your presence, honestly probably doesn’t even care about your feelings. A man who has full-blown conversations with other women (who probably do interest him) on the phone while you’re around might even be trying to blatantly let you know he’s not into you. It’s great to be open-minded and not be jealous but does a man really need to rub your face right in the pile for you to wake up and smell the bullshit?

He tells you. Here is another area where women love to dream up excuses. People will tell you through their actions how they really feel about you. Not calling, talking to other women, dodging you, these are all signs that he’s not into you. If that’s not enough, there’s the more direct approach. If a man outright tells you he’s not interested in you, there’s usually no hidden codes to decipher there. When he says, “I’m not really looking to get serious right now,” that should not translate to “He’s afraid of commitment. I think he’s just been hurt in the past and is scared now.” If he tells you he’s not feeling any chemistry, that doesn’t mean he wants you to open up more or whatever other poppycock you want to tell yourself. That means he’s not feeling YOU! I promise it’s not the end of the world. Accept it and move on.

Rejection is hard to handle. I get it. But we, as women, really need to get out of the habit of making excuses and living in delusion all because we want a person who may not be meant for us to have. I remember turning a man down some years back. I told him the truth, that I just wasn’t attracted to him. He told me something his mother had always told him, “Just because a person doesn’t find you attractive doesn’t make you any less attractive.” It’s stuck with me ever since and I think that can be applied for the inside and the outside.

My answer to this question is totally subjective and it’s my opinion. The answer is no. It is not the same. I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago, Is Being a Good Man Good Enough?” and a commenter asked this question. I decided to do a quick post answering the commenter’s question because there seems to be some confusion going around.

I see a lot of women get angry and they get their feelings hurt by this assumption. They mistakenly think that because they’ve been seeing a man consistently for a month or two that the man belongs to them. Because they’ve invested the time in getting to know one another and possibly start to develop feelings for this person, they assume they are in a relationship. Even worse, a lot of women assume they are the only one. Women also misunderstand having sex with a man as the beginning of their relationship. Hate to break it to ya, but no. All that means is that you’ve had sex.

Dating is just that – dating. It is the act of getting to know each other by going on dates and spending time together. A person can date multiple people at a time. I don’t see anything wrong with that, personally. Being in a relationship is different. It is beyond the dating stage. Two people in a relationship have an understanding and have made commitments that they have agreed to with each other. Usually in a relationship some type of exclusivity exists. I also think there would be a lot less heartbreak in the dating world if people (women really) understood the difference. Also, having the conversation with the other person to make sure you’re on the same page will eliminate a lot of confusion too. It’s important that you know and discuss whether you’re just dating or are, in fact, in a relationship. Ladies (and gentlemen to be fair), don’t set yourself up for heartbreak by placing relationship-type expectations on a person that you are only dating because there definitely is a difference.

 

“In its purest form, dating is auditioning for mating (and auditioning means we may or may not get the part).”

– Joy Browne, Dating for Dummies

I just spent the past 3 ½ weeks in New Jersey to visit and help out with my sick grandmother. While I was there, I reconnected with my ex-boyfriend. When I say reconnect, I don’t mean we’re back together or anything. I just mean we spent some time together, got to talk about some long overdue and unresolved issues, had some good laughs, and are back on pleasant terms.

Although I do believe the past is the past for a reason and dating the past is a no-no in my book, I do sometimes wonder if I passed up on a good thing. Not to boast, but my ex is the type of guy that women only dream of and he is a man of good character. I could go on and on listing all of his good qualities and material possessions but I won’t for fear of sounding like I’m bragging. In a nutshell, I’ll just say he’s a good man and a good catch. Still, I don’t get butterflies when I see him or think of him. My heart doesn’t speed up or any of that.

Here’s my question, though. Single women are constantly complaining how it’s so hard to find a good man, a man that has his life together and is ready for a mature relationship; especially black women. A lot of us complain about black men dating outside their race and how slim the pickings are. Then you have the good men out there saying they’re being passed over left and right. Women don’t want them because they’re not “bad” enough or exciting enough. So, I ask, is being a good man enough? Part of me feels like the type of man my ex is, is so hard to come by. Should I so readily let go of someone that most women would die to have? Don’t all women just want a good man? Shouldn’t that be enough for me? I read an article yesterday that talked about how a great percentage of people with long lasting successful marriages didn’t marry for love. The marriage was arranged or they married because they believed the other person would be a good co-parent, to pool financial resources, or for companionship. I now ask you, the reader, is it wrong to be in a relationship for reasons other than love? I’m not speaking of his material things. I’m speaking of his character, his good character.

Recently I was talking to a male friend, and he repeated a conversation to me that he had with another male friend of his about picking up women. We shared a nice little laugh about some of the worst things that men say on a date or when they first meet a woman. I told him about the guy who told me on our first date, “I don’t date really pretty women or women that wear red nail polish.” Needless to say, that date was short. Then I told him about the guy who spent a good 15 minutes telling me how much he loved sex and how great in bed he was. That’s when my friend stopped me in the conversation and said, “No, believe it or not, that actually works!”

He went on to tell me how he witnessed, firsthand, his friend telling a woman how much he loved sex and how great he was in bed upon initially meeting her. She then went home with him that night. Now, I know some of you may be thinking that maybe she was just easy and who knows. Maybe she was. Judgment aside, I’m asking all my ladies your opinion on this. When you meet a man for the first time or are on the first date and he expresses his love for sex and the talents he possesses in that area, does that really peak your interest? Is this a turn-on to you? Also, to men and women what is something a person has said to you on a first date that immediately turned you off? What was something that turned you on?

gayThis post will be a short one because I don’t have a lot to say on the topic. I’m more so interested in the thoughts and opinions of others. Recently I have either come into direct contact or have heard stories of reformed homosexuals. I have talked to and/or heard about both males and females who were once gay but now say they aren’t anymore. In my mind, it is hard for me to comprehend how this might work. This is one of the reasons I am writing this post. I hope to gain some perspective from readers and possibly get a better understanding.

Let me say that I do wholeheartedly believe that a lot of homosexuality of today’s world is a trend, a fad. Yes, I really do believe that. Of course I know that there are real, true homosexuals and it is my belief that they are born this way. However, I also believe in the current year of 2013 it has turned into something else. The power of suggestion amongst many many other factors has reared its head. So I can see how someone who isn’t a true homosexual can end up living a homosexual life (if that makes sense). My question is how do you reverse that though? It just seems like such a permanent decision that would be hard to reverse, particularly for men.

I’ve talked to some people about it, some who are going through the transition and some who know people close to them who are. Basically, they told me the same thing. Homosexuality is like any other demon (i.e. alcoholism, lust, jealousy) and if you pray on it hard enough and really want it, God will remove those demons from you. That sounds good but it makes me think of something I once heard a preacher say. He was openly mocking the congregation saying how people love to testify that they use to be an alcoholic but God removed the taste from their mouth. He went on to say that after 30+ years of being saved and being a pastor, he still gets the taste for alcohol and that people who testify to the contrary are just lying to themselves and the congregation. He said what it is, is that God gives him the discipline and willpower to say no to those things, but the taste and the temptation is still ever present. I would have to say I agree with him on that. So getting back to the subject at hand, can you really pray away your homosexuality or is it just that you have the willpower to fight that temptation? And if the desire is still there and you’re just fighting it, can you really say you’re not a homosexual anymore?

Lastly, I have one final question on this. This is for the ladies. Would you date a man who says he used to be a homosexual? I’m not talking about Raheem who just did a 10 –year bid in the federal penitentiary. That’s a whole ‘nother issue which requires deeper levels of discussion. I am talking about the average Joe who at one point was openly gay. Somewhere along the way he got religious (or whatever caused the change), and decided he wasn’t going to be a homosexual anymore. Ladies, would you date this man? I am asking the ladies because I assume I already know the answers of the fellas posed with the same question regarding a reformed lesbian. With the shortage of men out here, I really want to know if a woman would date a reformed homosexual male. Feel free to comment!