Archive for the ‘Random Funnies’ Category

I’ll never forget my first real job interview. I started working as a babysitter when I was 12, but my first real job interview wasn’t until two years later. It was to work at Arby’s. No one had prepared me and I knew nothing about how interviews were conducted. So when the manager asked me why I wanted to work there I told the truth, “Because this is the only place I heard was hiring at age 14.” I mean really, what was I supposed to say? “I just love the smell of burnt roast beef on a dry ass bun!” or “It’s been my dream since a little girl to work the fry basket!” I didn’t know I would be expected to lie in interviews. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job lol. I soon learned all the lies I’d be expected to tell in the years to come anytime I went for an interview. Following are some of the things that really go thru my mind while I tell these lies.

 

Question: So why do you want to work for XYZ Company?

Answer: I’ve been following XYZ’s progress for the past five years and I’m impressed by the company’s continued growth in a dying industry, especially during a recession. It’s impressive and there’s an opportunity for me to learn so much here. I also love giving back to the community and I know XYZ does a lot of community outreach projects. So this just really seems like a winning team I’d love to be a part of.

Real Answer: I really don’t. I didn’t even expect you to call me for this interview. So I’m just hear to humor you and see what happens after that.

 

Question: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Answer: Over these next 5 years I really hope to meet and exceed your expectations of me in this position. Once I’ve done that, with the right mentor, preparation, and continued education, I see myself hopefully making the transition into some type of senior or team leadership position.

Real Answer: 5 years??? Look, I’m just trying to make it thru this week.

 

Question: Are you available to work overtime or some weekends as needed?

Answer: Sure, absolutely!

Real Answer: Hell no! When am I supposed to sleep? Ya’ll asking for too much now.

 

Question: How did you hear about this position?

Answer: I believe I saw the position posted on Careerbuilder or Monster.com. One of the two.

Real Answer: Hell if I know! I been applying to so many jobs, lost track.

 

Question: So what do you know about the company?

Answer: I know you’ve been in business since 1952 with the corporate headquarters set in Chicago, IL. The CEO for the past 20 years is Ken Adams. I know you offer mainly the commercial liability products and last April you rolled out the Specialty product line. So that’s fairly new. You have 60 offices here in the U.S. and also locations in London and Switzerland. And I believe this department focuses solely on business between 10 and 50 million in revenue, if I’m not mistaken.

Real Answer: Nothing, never even heard of this company ‘til you called me for the interview last week. Time to recite everything I read on the website.

 

Question: If offered the job, what assets will you bring to this role?

Answer: I bring 9 years of experience and knowledge of these products. I’m detailed oriented and efficient. I only like to do things once, so I really put the time and effort into making sure things are correct the first time around. I’m dependable and always strive to exceed deadlines. Lastly, I’m a team player. So I don’t mind taking on a heavier workload if I have the capacity and someone else needs help.

Real answer: A new and improved level of sarcasm, the ability to eye-roll like no other, and a zero tolerance for bullshit and dummies that try to make my work life harder. Around month 3 you can expect an unexplained annoyance and anti- social behavior from seeing the same irritating mofos every morning – also sometimes mistaken for “Angry black woman syndrome”.

 

Question: How would your previous co-workers describe you?

Answer: I think they’d say I was a dependable team player.

Real Answer: Don’t know, don’t care.

 

Question: How would you describe your relationship with your manager at ABC Company?

Answer: We had a good working relationship. I think we got along well. I never had a problem doing what was asked of me and she was approachable. If I had any questions or concerns, I could just go talk to her with no problem.

Real Answer: That bitch…

ugly babyNow I know a lot of you will say I’m going to hell for this post, but oh well. I have to speak on it. Have you ever seen an unattractive (I won’t be mean and say ugly) baby or child? Well I’ve seen plenty! I’m sorry (actually not really) but not all babies are cute, especially newborns. Whenever I make this argument most people respond in the same way “Awww that’s so mean. All babies are cute.” No! They are not! I beg the world to stop lying, lying to the children, lying to the parents, and lying to themselves. The other day I saw a Facebook post of a baby that had a 40-year old man’s face. It was scary. Yes, children are precious little bundles of joy from God but that doesn’t automatically make them cute.

I actually dread when people want to show me pictures of their kids. I feel like the pressure is on. Of course all parents think their kids are the most beautiful kids on earth. That’s why all new parents enter their kids for that same damn Gap commercial contest lol. My mom thought I was a beautiful baby and I beg to differ. I was scrawny, pale, pasty, and sickly-looking. Babies change a lot in those first few months and years. I understand. That’s why I always joke with my friends who are having babies. I tell them not to let me see the child until it’s at least 5 months old. I don’t want to feel forced to tell them their child is cute when it clearly isn’t.

If you have been faced with other people’s unattractive children, don’t worry. Following are some good responses that I’ve found pretty useful to avoid lying about how cute someone’s child is:

  1. “Awwww…”: Lesson #1 – Always start with a nice long “awwww”. It doesn’t matter what you might say after that. Saying “awwww” gives the impression that you feel the child is cute without you having to lie and say he/she is cute. As soon as you start off with “awwwww”, the proud parent’s face will light up because they assume that “awwwww” means you find their child cute.
  2. “Awwww oh my god he/she looks just like so and so”: This is a smooth getaway. Tell them the baby looks like someone you know, possibly the other parent or a sibling. This deflects the attention from the cuteness (or lack thereof) of the baby to a slightly different topic – who the baby looks like.
  3. “Awwww what does his/her shirt say? [Insert fake chuckle here] That’s so cute!”: By saying, “that’s so cute”, the parent won’t even realize you’re just complimenting the clothes and not the actual baby. Be careful with this tactic. Parents have become hip to this one. They may catch on and they may actually wait you out for that “cute compliment”. That’s when you just proceed talking about the clothing. Ask them who bought them the shirt (or whatever article of clothing). Ask them where they got it. Tell them about some cute baby clothes you saw at some store somewhere and just change the basis of the conversation altogether.
  4. “Awwww he/she is so precious!”: I like to use this one a lot. It gives the parent the same feeling and satisfaction as the “cute compliment” but only I’m actually telling the truth. I do believe all babies are precious. If you say it with just the right tone and emphasis that you would use with the “cute compliment”, it’s like music to the parents’ ears. You can also say something like “He/she is such a blessing.” I mean who can argue with that?
  5. “Awwww look at those chubby cheeks [pinch cheeks here]”: Once you’ve pinched the cheeks, proceed to talk baby talk to the baby. Just ignore the adult who is waiting by for the “cute compliment”. Just act like you are totally engrossed in having this baby talk conversation with the baby. If it’s a child that is old enough to talk, that’s even better. Then they can talk back to you. It doesn’t have to be the cheeks either. Most babies have chubby cheeks, but pick out anything. Just because the baby might be funny looking, doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t have some kind of cute or corky feature about them that you can hone in on.
  6. “Awwww oh my god he/she is getting so big! How old is he/she now?”: This is another good one. I find that parents enjoy talking about the progress, growth, and size of their children for some reason. Once you ask that question, the parent usually forgets that they’re waiting for the “cute compliment” and will start a whole conversation about the baby’s growth. They usually follow with something like: “I know, he/she can’t even fit all the 9 month clothes anymore. We have to get all 12 month clothes now.” Or “I know, the doctor said he/she is already 25 inches!” If it’s an older child, “I know, he/she will be starting pre-K next month.” Or “I know, I just bought him/her some size 3 shoes last month and he/she is already growing out of them!” Then you just proceed with the conversation from there and you’re scot-free!

I can go on with these, as I have become pretty crafty over the years when dealing with the uncomfortable situation an unattractive baby brings about. Being faced by a parent with unattractive children can be tricky business. You have to understand that the parents are never going to see the child as you do. When they look at their children they are seeing future Halle Berry’s or the next Denzel’s, and that is fine. Now, hopefully next time you are in this situation you won’t be forced to lie.

I just moved to the San Diego area of California. Once again it’s an adventure into the unknown. Anywhere I move, I try to find a church nearby. So when a lady told me about a Baptist church not too far away from me, I was happy and excited. I went this past Sunday and just like with everything else, I found things to make me laugh. No, I am not laughing at god or religion but I’m sure most would agree that sometimes you just see some funny things at church. I had no idea I was going to a church/old folk’s home! Below are just some indicators that confirmed it was an old folks church.

Shoulder pads everywhere! It seems like black churches are always having some kind of “day”. It might be missionary day, youth day, deacon day, induction day, and all other kinds of days. On these days they always decide it’s necessary to coordinate and wear the same color. So because I knew I was going to a black church, I wasn’t surprised to see a whole row of older ladies wearing all blue suits and blue hats, a row of blueberries. They looked like that girl who turned into a blueberry on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I expected little umpa-lumpas to come roll them out the aisle at any second. As I sat behind them I noticed they all looked like linebackers from behind. It was the suit jackets! There’s a specific kind of suit jacket that all the older women wear at churches that have big shoulder pads and they’re always kind of tight around the bodice. So they look like they’ve been stuffed down into the suit jacket. My grandmother has some of these jackets. She’s in her late 70’s. Indicator number one that this was an old people church.

Mints are always available: Throughout the service I kept hearing this crackling coming from behind me. All I kept thinking was “I wish this kid would stop crackling that candy wrapper.” I turned around when it got to be too much only to realize it was an old lady. For some reason old ladies in church always have some kind of mint or candy that comes in those little individual plastic wraps. It’s like part of the old lady code or something.

Cat Daddy! That’s a slick back! As I sat there clapping along so as to keep myself awake to what I guess was the men’s ensemble, I noticed something. All the men either had no hair or they had a slick back. If you don’t know what a slick back is, it’s when a man relaxes his hair and slicks it back with grease or gel or who knows what else. It usually looks died black and shiny and a lot of times they only have the toilet seat head. That is they’re bald in the middle but what’s left on the sides they slick it on back. There was even one man who had a slick-forward :- 0 !

The service never ends: This is pretty normal in most black churches, the long services. However, you can tell the difference when it’s because you’re in an old folk’s church. They seem to think, talk, and move a lot slower which drags every single part of the service out. I left after about two hours and I was about a half hour late so I can’t even tell you how long the service went or if they ever ended it.

All the members are dead or in the hospital: Lord forgive me for this one but it’s true. I lie to you not. Half of the announcements were for upcoming funeral services for that week of members who had passed. Then as they took about 10 minutes to do a meet and greet where everyone cruised around with their walkers or canes to shake hands and hug and stuff. I heard all the different members talking to each other and almost all the conversations revolved around either who was in the hospital or who had just gotten out of the hospital.

Half the congregation is deaf: I was trying so hard to keep a straight face during service for this. First it was the pianist who was old and playing straight out of the hymnal book. I kept noticing that the music would get off beat every now and then. The rest of the musicians (drummer, bass player, etc.) would stop and then catch up to the pianist. I didn’t understand what was happening until I realized she couldn’t half hear and was throwing off the other musicians. At one point, the pastor mentioned a word that resembled musicians (but it wasn’t) during his sermon and she got up and started playing. It took a few minutes for the pastor to get across to her that he hadn’t called for her to play. But the fella who took the cake was an old man who led the choir in one of their songs. I couldn’t make out a word of what he was singing about. It may have been because he didn’t have his teeth in either. I was only able to make out the last line where he moaned into the mic “oooooohhh yeaaaaah”. I was praying from my seat that he wouldn’t just keel over right up there on the choir stand he was so old. Towards the end of the song he just stopped singing and proceeded to give himself a birthday shout out before the song ended. It was actually kind of cute because he was so damn old and the entire time he was singing I was sitting there guessing his age in my head. I was right on the money too. After the pastor had to yell into the mic about five times to get his attention, he asked him how old he was. This man was ninety-five.

Let me start off by saying I am so thankful that I am able to get up and go to the grocery store when I want and buy what I want. I know there are those less fortunate who cannot say the same. However, where some may look at it as an enjoyable experience, I view it as an inconvenient task. I try to only go into a grocery store once a month and I wait until my refrigerator is pretty much bare before I will go. Here’s why:

  1. The squeaky cart: I have no idea why of all the carts that are always lined up outside the store must I always always pick the malfunctioning one. Of course the malfunction never starts until I’m already inside the store and the automatic doors have closed behind me. Then it’s like do I go all the way back outside to switch carts or just deal with this one? No, because odds are I’ll just get another malfunctioning cart. So I am always that person either playing tug-a-war trying to get the cart to turn the way I need it to or the one everyone stops and looks at because they can hear me coming from three aisles down.
  2. Buying chicken: Yes, I can’t stand buying chicken. I enjoy eating it but don’t like buying it. I always buy the Perdue or Foster Farm chicken in the package. No matter how much plastic wrap is on the package, the chicken is always always slimy. Yuk! Sure, some stores have paper towels now but I don’t feel like it’s enough. So for the rest of the day, until I can get home to wash my hands, I have this sense of tiny bacteria just wiggling around on my hands having a field day.
  3. The hoverer: This person irks me. It seems like every time I go to the store I encounter at least one hoverer. This is that person when you’re standing in an aisle trying to decide which item you want off the shelf or whatever and out of the entire long aisle they feel the need to stop exactly where you are and hover behind you. For some reason they always think whatever it is they are looking for must be exactly where you are standing and you must be in the way. I like to stand there extra long and then move aside. I’ve found that 100% of the time they don’t even need anything out of that aisle. Usually this is an old person. I move, they look, and then they just leave the aisle. What is that about?
  4. Store maneuvering: I think this is probably the thing I like least about grocery shopping, especially in smaller grocery stores. I will never understand the people who drive to the grocery store and then once inside they forget how to drive. Pushing your cart really isn’t that different from driving a car. Would you just park in the middle of the street? No, so why do people always just stop and leave their carts in the middle of the aisle like that’s their personal driveway? I will never get that and it’s so annoying because now I’m forced to talk to you and ask you to move.
  5. The checkout line: A few things here. First, you have the cashier who automatically hates you because she hates her job and doesn’t want to be there. This isn’t always the case. A lot of times the cashiers are pleasant but there are definitely some who don’t want to be bothered. Then you got that person in front of you who either forgot something and holds up the line, or something they got rings up wrong so they have to go check the price, or their coupon didn’t work because they got the wrong size of whatever. There’s always something to prolong the checkout process.

We’ve all seen them. They usually come on at two, three, four in the morning. Now they even sneak some in during peak television times. Infomercials! Nobody likes them yet they continue to make them and they continue to be aired. My question is who the heck is actually buying these products? I want their names and addresses lol. I would imagine that if the products weren’t selling for these various products after all these years they would stop putting money into TV advertisement, and some have been around for years and years (i.e. that annoying ass Life Alert commercial where the old ladies are always falling down stairs and such).

My dislike for infomercials started at a very young age and it started with that Life Alert commercial. I was around three or four. This was back in the 80’s of course. I have no idea what I was doing up at two in the morning watching TV but I was, and they just kept playing that commercial over and over and over. I guess I started getting annoyed because my mom says I started talking to the old ladies on the commercial saying “Stop faking old lady! You know you can get up!” I guess I wasn’t buying their acting then at age three and as I’ve come to learn nobody has bought their acting ’til this day. Still they keep those commercials coming. Below are just a few things I’ve pinpointed that actually bother me about the commercials and I’m sure some of you can relate too!

It’s an infomercial marathon! Why are they so long? It’s bad enough I have to sit through bad acting and bad products. Now I have to listen to you go on and on about them for 3-10 minutes? The commercial says everything it needs to say in the first 20 seconds. The rest of the commercial is just repetition of the same information. Now you’re just simply wasting airtime. Then sometimes they show the same one back to back or they do 2-3 different infomercials one right after the other. One word; torture.

The best of the worst actors I’ve ever seen. That’s it, not much more to get into with that. I’m not saying getting in front of the camera and acting to try to sell a product is the easiest thing to do but c’mon! Where are they getting these people? These must be actors/actresses that couldn’t even make it as extras. I know! They must be family members of the inventors of these products and are not paid actors. Yes, that has to be the answer.

Before and after pictures, are you kidding me? Whenever the infomercial is something for the face or body, they always throw in those pictures and testimonials of “real” people who’ve used the product. Really? So you were 425 pounds, couldn’t see your toes, had more rolls than a can of crescents, and a turkey neck. You took a couple of these pills and now you’re 125 pounds with an eight pack, tight buns of steel, and toned arms and legs? Better yet, your face resembled a road map you had so many wrinkles and lines. Now you used this cream and your after pic has your skin as smooth as a baby’s bottom? I just want to know who’s falling for this.

Just what Americans need, something called Forever Lazy. A friend and I were up late one night just shooting the breeze at my house and the commercial for the Forever Lazy came on. We simultaneously looked at each other and burst into laughter. If you’ve never seen it, you definitely should. The jokes were endless and we laughed until our cheeks hurt. That brings me to my next point with these commercials. They’re always selling something that you don’t need or that is so ridiculous no one would ever buy it (at least you’d think no one would). I would love love love to talk to the creator of The Booty Pop. I want to know what went through his/her mind to make them create such a thing.  Pajama jeans, Cami Secret, Trendi Top? Really? There’s a demand for these? How about you just stop buying tops that you know are low cut and you buy tank tops that come down to the waist. I promise they do sell those.

“Act now and we’ll send you two for the price of one!” All of these infomercials follow the same exact format. The first half they’re telling you and retelling you what the product is along with hilarious demonstrations. Then they hit you with the selling point that if you call to buy right then and there they will send you two of the product for the price of one. My question is, if the product is so great why are they always giving away the second one? Next is the bonus item that they also want you to have for free. It’s usually a smaller version of the original product (a “mini”) or it’s something else that you’ll probably never use. “Act now and you’ll get all this for one low price of $19.99!” is usually the punch line. Then they cut to that blue screen where they post up all the credit card icons and payment methods they’ll except and that guy’s voice comes on and he says his lil blurb real fast about the taxes and shipping – end scene.

Sure, yell me into buying your product. This is my biggest pet peeve of all when it comes to the infomercials, the guy yelling into your TV screen. Sometimes I like to fall asleep and set the timer on the TV to go off. I’ll turn it down low while I drift on off to dreamland. A couple hours later I’m jolted awake by some guy yelling at me to buy tortilla pans. What is that about? I understand they want a spokesman with some enthusiasm but geesh! Remember Billy Mays from the Oxi Clean commercials? God rest his soul but I couldn’t stand when he came on. I get it. Oxi Clean is a great cleaning agent, but you don’t have to yell at me to buy it. And have you ever seen the Sham Wow guy? No, I mean really looked into his bugged out eyes? I’m going to leave that one alone but all I’m going to say is his mug shot answered a lot of unanswered questions for me lol. One of these days these yelling infomercial guys are going to give me a heart attack the way they startle me. Then I’ll be wishing I’d got myself a Life Alert lol. I can see the headlines now: “One Infomercial Sends Young Woman into Cardiac Arrest While Another Could be What Saved her Life”.

Boogie-woogie

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Random Funnies
Tags: , , ,

Boogers…can’t live with them, can’t live without them. At least I don’t think you can…

It was a warm sunny Tuesday morning. I rented a U-Haul truck and was all ready to move to my new apartment. I still needed movers. So I headed on over to the nearest Home Depot where I knew the illegal day laborers would be waiting around for work. I love those guys by the way, they go hard and they inspire me (seriously but that’s another topic). I had been by a few days before just to scope out the situation and find where they hang out. So when Poncho, Martinez, and about twenty other amigos bum-rushed the truck, I wasn’t alarmed. I wish I could’ve hired all of them but I only needed two guys. As they all fired off questions to me and answers to questions I hadn’t even asked, I scanned the crowd trying to decide how I would pick my two guys from the massive crowd of hopefuls. My eyes landed on one of the guys I had spoken to days before when I swung by and there it was…

It hung and swung in the slight morning breeze. I tried to focus on the task at hand as I began asking him if he was available all day, etc., etc. but it was like it was calling out to me on behalf of him: “PICK MEEE! PICK MEE!” It was a white, slimy one and it rested just above his mustache as it hung on to one of the strands for dear life. Any sudden movements, and it would all be over. Part of me wanted it to fall so it would be out of my sight and I could stop focusing on it but the other part of me wanted it to stay right where it was, where I could keep my eyes on it, know where it was at all times, and not have to wonder where it might’ve fallen and on to what.

I’m sure we have all been in that situation at one point or another. Shoot, we’ve probably been on both sides of the situation lol. Don’t you hate it when you’re talking to someone and they’ve got a lil boogie hanging, especially when it’s one of those loose ones? You know the ones where if they breath o’ so slightly it could fly out in any direction. I know I’m extra for this but my temperature actually raises a little, my heart rate increases, and I find myself getting nervous and swallowing hard. Anything that person might be saying to me is going in one ear and out the other as the voice in my head screams: “DAMMIT! WHY MUST HE/SHE HAVE THAT BOOGER HANGING! GOD PLEEEEASE DON’T LET IT FALL OUT ON ME! PLEASE DON’T LET IT FALL OUT! JUST ACT NORMAL. STAY COOL AND NOD ALONG LIKE YOU’RE PAYING ATTENTION – AND STOP ZEROING IN ON THE BOOGER FOR GOODNESS SAKES!”

On the flipside, how about when you’re the one with the booger? I don’t know which one is worse. You know when you can feel it in your nose near the edge of your nostril but you’re not totally sure if it can be seen. I can’t stand being in that position either. I try to pick up signals from the other person’s body language to see if they’ve spotted it yet. I try to do the smooth “rub my hand past my nose quick and casually like I have an itch” move. That usually doesn’t work but I think it’s more of an attempt to sweep the booger back into hidden positioning until I can reach a tissue and a mirror. Or I’ll try the “hand over my mouth so that my finger is covering the nostril area like I’m thinking really hard” move. Or I all of a sudden get a bad case of the sniffles as I try to suck it back in with all my might.

Sure if it’s a friend you can tell them they have a booger or ask them if you’ve got one peeking out, but what about someone you don’t know like that? I know this was gross and random but I had to express my thoughts on this because that guy’s slimy ass booger has been dangling in my flashbacks since that day. All I’m saying is having boogers is tricky business man…

Random Funnies

Posted: September 4, 2012 in Random Funnies
Tags: , , ,

September is here and before we know it the summer will be over. The family vacations are winding down and kids/students are returning to school. The party is over. Time to get serious and back to business. NOT! I’ve decided to switch up the pace this month. When looking over my past few months’ themes I’ve noticed the topics were a little serious, some a little dull depending on who’s reading. In addition, it was implied that a lot of my topics and approach to those topics are negative. I’m not sure if I totally agree with that but like everything else, it’s up for interpretation I guess.

Either way, I thought it would be fun to lighten up the mood since the fun doesn’t really have to end just because summer is almost over. People who know me really well know laughter and being silly is a huge part of my life. I find humor in most things I do on the daily basis. So this month will be really random. I’m just going to share with you random things I come across throughout this month that are just too hilarious to keep to myself. This includes but will not be limited to things that I do or situations I find myself in that are funny. I tend to attract weirdos and crazy people so it shouldn’t be too hard to find material for these posts lol. You have to be able to laugh at yourself I say. There’s no point in taking yourself too serious. No one else does 🙂 . So happy laughs everybody!!

“It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.” – Wayne Dyer

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” Audrey Hepburn

“Laugh whenever you can. Keeps you from killing yourself when things are bad. That and vodka.” ― Jim Butcher