Archive for February, 2014

I was having a conversation with my sister not too long ago about my dating prospects. I was explaining to her how I’m still not really ready to date yet because I’m still working on getting myself together. She asked me what I meant and I ran down a short list, with the main priority being acquiring employment. She was saying how I shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t have everything 100% together going into the dating scene basically because nobody is perfect and nobody ever really has it all together at one time. I expressed to her how I still felt like I need to have at least the basics together, and having a job is part of that. Mind you, my mama didn’t raise no fool. So I didn’t just save for a rainy day; I saved for a rainy season (and it’s a good thing I did). So I wouldn’t expect a man to take care of me financially, or anything like that. I’m still very much holding my own. It’s just the principle to me. I believe that if I expect certain things in a potential partner, I should be able to bring those same things to the table to match him.

I’ve been actively searching for a new job for about a year now and it’s been hard. It’s not just me. I know several people who are facing the same challenge. Blame it on the economy. Blame it on whatever you’d like. The fact remains that a lot of people are out of work right now. I know people who have had to move in with parents. Some have went back to school. Others have taken jobs way below their standards and capabilities. My question is, would you date someone who is unemployed? Of course there are always going to be bums who just never work and have no desire or motivation to find jobs. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about a man/woman who has their head on straight and is just really facing a hard time at the moment. You see them actively searching and going on interviews or they’ve returned to school full-time. Would you date them or do you feel like their lack of employment will cause the relationship to suffer? Do you think they should place full priority and focus on the job search and just nix the fun dating stuff until they’re successful in that search?

Having been single for the majority of my 20’s, this is a question I’ve been asked more than a lot. I’ve read other blog posts and opinions about this question to find that it offends most single women. I’ll admit, for a time I did too. Some women take that question as a suggestion that something might be wrong with them. It wasn’t until I took some serious time off from the dating scene entirely to do some self-evaluation that I realized my being offended by the question was just my insecurity shining through. I almost felt like I was under attack when a man would ask me that. Fast-forward to the present and now the question doesn’t bother me so much as confuse me. I think it’s because I have a better understanding of the question and the intent behind it. Men usually ask a woman why she’s single because of one of the following reasons:

1. They’re generally dumb and don’t think before they ask.

2. They’re just making conversation. They’re not seriously looking for a profound answer.

3. In their mind they think it’s a pickup line or compliment: “Someone as beautiful as you, how is it possible you’re still single?” (So lame, I know…)

4. They’re out of dating practice and nervous.

Fellas, it’s all about your phrasing. It’s better to be more specific and say what you actually mean. I know that most of you aren’t implying that something is wrong with the woman when you ask her that but that’s not how it translates to us. Try asking her “Are you single by choice or you just haven’t met the right person yet?” or “Is there any specific reason why you’re single?” See men don’t realize what this question does to a single woman when left open-ended like that. You are basically asking her to self reflect on the spot. She has to search inside and look for the answer to your question. In searching she’s running through all her insecurities in her head thinking, “Damn, why am I still single?” She’s also thinking that you must be picking up on some flaw of hers for you to even ask her that.

Ladies, the men who ask you that probably don’t have a clue, and simply just don’t know how to talk to a woman. Although I still don’t totally understand the question, I do know he’s usually not implying that you’re ugly, stupid, or crazy. And the reason I don’t understand the question is because I think it’s one that doesn’t require explanation. Why can’t it just be something that just is? The same way I’m the youngest child, the same way my birthmark is where it is; these things just are. No one has ever asked me why I have two freckles on my nose. They’re just there in the same way that I’m just single 🙂 .

So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day… Honestly, I’m not even sure where this post is going lol. I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. I know there are people who out right hate it, usually bitter single people, but that’s not me. I’m not against it or anything. I just don’t quite understand it, I guess. Maybe it was my first “real” Valentine’s Day with my first real boyfriend that kind of turned me off. He cooked me dinner (it was good), made me a card (it was cute and funny), and I think there was a gift (don’t remember). Then he proceeded to sing Joe’s “I Wanna Know” while he stripped for me. Anyone who knows me knows I highly dislike singing, especially men singing in high notes (I know, I know I’m a weirdo). He was a horrible singer and it took everything in me not to burst into laughter while his scrawny muscle-less yellow teen body stripped before my eyes.

I suppose the sentiment is nice; a day to show the one you love just how much you love them. Okay, I’ll go ahead and ask the obvious question. Why do you need a “holiday” to tell you when and how to show your love? Shouldn’t you be doing this every day throughout the year? Why be so predictable and do the same exact thing (flowers, candy, etc.) that everyone else is doing on the same exact day? To me there’s just nothing exciting or special about it. I get a kick out of watching men scramble around at the last minute buying teddy bears and balloons. It is apparent that not much thought or preparation goes into Valentine’s Day with most men. How can it possibly make you feel special to know that your man ran to Walgreens or Wal-Mart 3 hours before seeing you to grab whatever was left on the shelves, along with 50 other men? The last Valentine’s Day I celebrated I remember scrambling at the last minute, not because I wanted to show my love, but because I knew my boyfriend was buying into the hype, which meant I would be expected to reciprocate. This was a man who already had everything; so I remember it being more of an annoyance trying to think of the perfect gift. I ended up getting him something he really didn’t need (and probably didn’t want) and he ended up buying me something that he already knew beforehand I didn’t like. Now I know some men will put in the extra effort and go all out, doing something special, but still, how can this make you feel loved? How does it make you feel good to know he’s only doing it because everyone else is and because he feels this is the day he’s supposed to do it? And for some, how does it make you feel to know that the following day things will go back to “normal” until the next special day of the year? What do you like or dislike about Valentine’s Day?

Whenever you’re doing something new most of the time you have to be trained or shown how to do it first. Do you think the same rules apply with sex? I was having a conversation with a friend about a month ago, and we were catching up on the different encounters and date-life we’ve had with guys. It had been about a year and a half; so we had a lot to fill each other in on. Anyway, she was telling me how she had met a guy she really liked at first, but then they had sex and it was “garbage” (her words). She was really disgusted and, for her, it ruined their whole dating experience and she felt like she really wasn’t interested in him anymore because of that. So I suggested to her that since she liked everything else about the guy that maybe there was room for hope. Maybe she could teach him what he needs to know, but she was totally against it saying, “Uh huh I don’t want nobody that I have to teach! I don’t have the patience. He needs to already know what to do!” I’ve known her for a long time now (around 12 years or so). Sex has always been important to her. Whereas sex has always been the least important thing to me when it comes to a relationship. So perhaps that’s why we disagree on this.

Every woman is different. Heck, every person is different. Maybe what his last girlfriend or significant other liked is totally different from what you like. Maybe a person might be “trash” (also her words lol) in bed because no one has ever told them the truth; that they suck. What do you think? If you meet a person and they are awesome in every other way, would you mind taking the time to show them how to “do it right”? Men, how do you feel about women who are lame in bed? Do you invest the time and energy to bring them up to par?