Archive for November, 2013

Recently I held two book signing events for my novel, Two Way Mirrors. There were two different occurrences I witnessed during each event that has urged me to write this post. The book signing in San Diego took place on a rooftop, which, I thought was a nice and classy location. I served wine and appetizers and asked a few poets I know to perform. I knew most of the people that came. They were either friends or people I knew from the open mic circuit. There was a nice turnout from a Meetup group I belong to called San Diego Black Professionals. Most of them I did not know but was glad they came out to support. They seemed a little reserved, but still, just seemed like regular people to me. It wasn’t until I arrived home later that evening to find that one of the attendees made a comment on Facebook while at the signing. Don’t quote me but it was something like I know these uppity Negroes are probably wondering what I’m doing here. Not only did I find this offensive, but also unnecessary. I definitely don’t consider myself an “uppity Negro” and I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the other people there weren’t paying this guy any attention. It was, after all, an evening about me and my book :).

The second book signing was held at a nice bookstore in the heart of Downtown Newark, NJ. It was a great location because it was a high traffic area and at a well-known store that was recently on a reality show. Once again I had wine and cheese but instead of having poets perform, I went out on the street and performed to engage the passer-byers. My family was there to help and support. My mother, being the proud mother hen she is, was on her job talking to customers. One guy was there with his friend who had purchased my book. He was holding it for her and my mom asked him if he’d just purchased the book. He told her no and after she walked away I heard him say to his friend, “Here, take this book before these people think I’m trying to steal something.” He didn’t know I heard him. He also didn’t know my mother was only asking about his purchase because she was making sure no customer left without having their book signed by me. Just like the other guy I mentioned, I didn’t care enough to say anything. Plus I didn’t know this guy; so I continued on about my business. He waited until after the signing was over to approach me. It turned out he was also a new writer and was interested in having me publish his book(s). Before I let him tell me about any of that, I made sure he knew that I heard what he said and I explained to him why my mother asked him about the book. I could tell he was embarrassed, as he should’ve been.

What is the point of my telling you these two stories? I’m sure you’re familiar with that saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”. I think people come from certain backgrounds and/or lifestyles and histories are so use to being pre-judged that they have now turned into the judgers themselves. When you are surrounded by or come into contact with people who come from a different background than you, it is not fair to automatically assume that they look down on you. Not everyone who may have had a privileged upbringing, or is “educated”, or speaks properly, or has class thinks they are superior to those who don’t. When you take one look at a group of people and call them uppity because they don’t look or act the way you think they should, YOU are preemptively placing yourself beneath them. Sure, I’ve had people look down on me because of places I’ve lived or maybe the way I wear my hair. I’ve even been outright dismissed and cut off by some once they found out I don’t have a degree. So I know it happens. I’m not saying it doesn’t. I’m saying give people the benefit of doubt. It is unfair for you to make up your mind about what people may or may not be thinking about you before they even open their mouths or converse with you. When you do that, you’re confirming that you are no better than them. Don’t deflect your insecurities off on other people because you subconsciously feel less than or even possibly intimidated.

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I just spent the past 3 ½ weeks in New Jersey to visit and help out with my sick grandmother. While I was there, I reconnected with my ex-boyfriend. When I say reconnect, I don’t mean we’re back together or anything. I just mean we spent some time together, got to talk about some long overdue and unresolved issues, had some good laughs, and are back on pleasant terms.

Although I do believe the past is the past for a reason and dating the past is a no-no in my book, I do sometimes wonder if I passed up on a good thing. Not to boast, but my ex is the type of guy that women only dream of and he is a man of good character. I could go on and on listing all of his good qualities and material possessions but I won’t for fear of sounding like I’m bragging. In a nutshell, I’ll just say he’s a good man and a good catch. Still, I don’t get butterflies when I see him or think of him. My heart doesn’t speed up or any of that.

Here’s my question, though. Single women are constantly complaining how it’s so hard to find a good man, a man that has his life together and is ready for a mature relationship; especially black women. A lot of us complain about black men dating outside their race and how slim the pickings are. Then you have the good men out there saying they’re being passed over left and right. Women don’t want them because they’re not “bad” enough or exciting enough. So, I ask, is being a good man enough? Part of me feels like the type of man my ex is, is so hard to come by. Should I so readily let go of someone that most women would die to have? Don’t all women just want a good man? Shouldn’t that be enough for me? I read an article yesterday that talked about how a great percentage of people with long lasting successful marriages didn’t marry for love. The marriage was arranged or they married because they believed the other person would be a good co-parent, to pool financial resources, or for companionship. I now ask you, the reader, is it wrong to be in a relationship for reasons other than love? I’m not speaking of his material things. I’m speaking of his character, his good character.

My first real book review. I’ll take it! Thanks UFN!

Urban Fiction News

 

I love a good story especially one that is written by a great storyteller. Two Way Mirrors appeared to be a story of a young woman in love with the typical bad boy but readers soon find out that is all on the surface. The story follows the tale of Angela Delimar a young lady who shares a close bond with her mother, is in love with her incarcerated bad boy and does things she doesn’t care for the world to know. Through a series of events which include deep family secrets and breathtaking brutality Angela finds herself fighting for not only her life but for her sanity. She is in a race to find out the one woman who can expose the truth and help Angela heal but will the ever elusive stranger come from out of the shadows long enough?

I loved how well the story was…

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5 Benefits of Celibacy: For Women

Posted: November 7, 2013 in Sex
Tags: ,

I know I’ve talked about sex a sprinkle here and there but I’ve never talked about not having sex. There have been several times in my life where I abstained from having sex, sometimes lasting for years at a time. I have to say, in all honesty, it is a wonderful feeling. I mean of course you have those moments when you feel frisky but once that passes, it really is a beautiful thing. Most people tie celibacy into religious vows or promises, but there are other reasons to experience celibacy outside of religion.

Redirection of energy: There’s a large amount of energy that goes into having sex. I’m not just speaking on physical terms. There is a lust energy and sometimes a guilt energy if you’re having sex under circumstances that you’re uncomfortable or unsure about. So when you go without sex, it gives you a chance to transform that energy into something else and direct to other areas of your life. For me, I find I’m way more focused on my life’s goals during times that I’m celibate. I take that pent up energy and direct it all into manifesting my dreams into reality. I also put it into working out, which I hate.

Frees mental space and allows you to see clearly: I don’t know about you, but when I have sex and it’s good sex, I think about it. I think about how great it was and I think about doing it again, especially if it’s with someone new. A lot of people think celibacy is just about the physical part of withdrawing from sex but it’s really about withdrawing from sex on all levels. When you’re having sex regularly, you think about it more often. When you stop, you don’t think about it as much. Therefore, it frees up some of that mental space to allow you think and meditate on other things of importance. It also allows you to really see the person(s) you may be dating. Often when you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, and it’s good, you’re blinded to other things about that person or about your relationship with that person. You may talk yourself into believing you have things in common with someone you really don’t or you may make excuses about things that would normally bother you about that person. When you remove sex, it allows you to really get to know that person and see them for the person they truly are a lot quicker.

Discover your body: I swear I learn something new about my body each time I withdraw from sex for long periods of time. And it’s always something awesome and something I can use to better my sex life when I do return to having a sexual relationship. Spending time with yourself sexually is no different than taking time to yourself to think or having a “me day”. It’s all about time to yourself to learn more about yourself. This part of yourself just happens to be your body.

Snap back and cleanse: People may not know this or believe this or perhaps never thought about it but whenever you have sex with someone, you exchange spiritual DNA. I’m not talking about physical body fluids. There is a part of that person’s sexual spirit and energy left in you. Whether you believe it or not, spirits have the ability to manifest and transform into other things. So if the last person you had sex with is a person you regret, you need time to have their energy cleansed from you. On the physical side, you need time to let your sexual organs snap back. I don’t know how else to put it, but nobody likes a loosey goosey :). So when you take long breaks it gives your vaginal canal and walls time to contract back to its original state. That way the next person you’re intimate with doesn’t feel like he’s having sex with a hallway lol.

Buildup: This might just be the best part, okay maybe 2nd to redirection of energy. Think of it this way. What is your favorite food? Now think about eating that every single day, maybe sometimes twice a day. After while wouldn’t you get kind of tired of it? But if you only eat it every now and then, when you taste it it’s like having it for the first time. You may almost forget how good it tastes, but when you finally do it’s like heaven. Sex after long periods of celibacy is the same way. It feels great! Because it hasn’t become a daily or weekly monotonous routine, it almost feels like a brand new experience – for you and for him. I remember making bottle rockets in this forensic science class I took in college once. We had to keep packing and packing the rocket with gun powder all the way to the brim to make sure there was enough to blast it from the ground. It’s just like that. It’s as though you’ve packed and packed and packed your body with an enormous amount of sexual energy. When it’s time for blast off…well I think you get it :).