The Voices In My Head During A Job Interview

Posted: October 24, 2013 in Random Funnies
Tags: , ,

I’ll never forget my first real job interview. I started working as a babysitter when I was 12, but my first real job interview wasn’t until two years later. It was to work at Arby’s. No one had prepared me and I knew nothing about how interviews were conducted. So when the manager asked me why I wanted to work there I told the truth, “Because this is the only place I heard was hiring at age 14.” I mean really, what was I supposed to say? “I just love the smell of burnt roast beef on a dry ass bun!” or “It’s been my dream since a little girl to work the fry basket!” I didn’t know I would be expected to lie in interviews. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job lol. I soon learned all the lies I’d be expected to tell in the years to come anytime I went for an interview. Following are some of the things that really go thru my mind while I tell these lies.

 

Question: So why do you want to work for XYZ Company?

Answer: I’ve been following XYZ’s progress for the past five years and I’m impressed by the company’s continued growth in a dying industry, especially during a recession. It’s impressive and there’s an opportunity for me to learn so much here. I also love giving back to the community and I know XYZ does a lot of community outreach projects. So this just really seems like a winning team I’d love to be a part of.

Real Answer: I really don’t. I didn’t even expect you to call me for this interview. So I’m just hear to humor you and see what happens after that.

 

Question: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Answer: Over these next 5 years I really hope to meet and exceed your expectations of me in this position. Once I’ve done that, with the right mentor, preparation, and continued education, I see myself hopefully making the transition into some type of senior or team leadership position.

Real Answer: 5 years??? Look, I’m just trying to make it thru this week.

 

Question: Are you available to work overtime or some weekends as needed?

Answer: Sure, absolutely!

Real Answer: Hell no! When am I supposed to sleep? Ya’ll asking for too much now.

 

Question: How did you hear about this position?

Answer: I believe I saw the position posted on Careerbuilder or Monster.com. One of the two.

Real Answer: Hell if I know! I been applying to so many jobs, lost track.

 

Question: So what do you know about the company?

Answer: I know you’ve been in business since 1952 with the corporate headquarters set in Chicago, IL. The CEO for the past 20 years is Ken Adams. I know you offer mainly the commercial liability products and last April you rolled out the Specialty product line. So that’s fairly new. You have 60 offices here in the U.S. and also locations in London and Switzerland. And I believe this department focuses solely on business between 10 and 50 million in revenue, if I’m not mistaken.

Real Answer: Nothing, never even heard of this company ‘til you called me for the interview last week. Time to recite everything I read on the website.

 

Question: If offered the job, what assets will you bring to this role?

Answer: I bring 9 years of experience and knowledge of these products. I’m detailed oriented and efficient. I only like to do things once, so I really put the time and effort into making sure things are correct the first time around. I’m dependable and always strive to exceed deadlines. Lastly, I’m a team player. So I don’t mind taking on a heavier workload if I have the capacity and someone else needs help.

Real answer: A new and improved level of sarcasm, the ability to eye-roll like no other, and a zero tolerance for bullshit and dummies that try to make my work life harder. Around month 3 you can expect an unexplained annoyance and anti- social behavior from seeing the same irritating mofos every morning – also sometimes mistaken for “Angry black woman syndrome”.

 

Question: How would your previous co-workers describe you?

Answer: I think they’d say I was a dependable team player.

Real Answer: Don’t know, don’t care.

 

Question: How would you describe your relationship with your manager at ABC Company?

Answer: We had a good working relationship. I think we got along well. I never had a problem doing what was asked of me and she was approachable. If I had any questions or concerns, I could just go talk to her with no problem.

Real Answer: That bitch…

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Ashley says:

    This is so me to the tenth power! lol

  2. Jazz says:

    hahahaha! Good luck on the hunt!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s