Not-So-Cute Babies – No Such Thing! …Or is There?

Posted: May 30, 2013 in Random Funnies
Tags: , ,

ugly babyNow I know a lot of you will say I’m going to hell for this post, but oh well. I have to speak on it. Have you ever seen an unattractive (I won’t be mean and say ugly) baby or child? Well I’ve seen plenty! I’m sorry (actually not really) but not all babies are cute, especially newborns. Whenever I make this argument most people respond in the same way “Awww that’s so mean. All babies are cute.” No! They are not! I beg the world to stop lying, lying to the children, lying to the parents, and lying to themselves. The other day I saw a Facebook post of a baby that had a 40-year old man’s face. It was scary. Yes, children are precious little bundles of joy from God but that doesn’t automatically make them cute.

I actually dread when people want to show me pictures of their kids. I feel like the pressure is on. Of course all parents think their kids are the most beautiful kids on earth. That’s why all new parents enter their kids for that same damn Gap commercial contest lol. My mom thought I was a beautiful baby and I beg to differ. I was scrawny, pale, pasty, and sickly-looking. Babies change a lot in those first few months and years. I understand. That’s why I always joke with my friends who are having babies. I tell them not to let me see the child until it’s at least 5 months old. I don’t want to feel forced to tell them their child is cute when it clearly isn’t.

If you have been faced with other people’s unattractive children, don’t worry. Following are some good responses that I’ve found pretty useful to avoid lying about how cute someone’s child is:

  1. “Awwww…”: Lesson #1 – Always start with a nice long “awwww”. It doesn’t matter what you might say after that. Saying “awwww” gives the impression that you feel the child is cute without you having to lie and say he/she is cute. As soon as you start off with “awwwww”, the proud parent’s face will light up because they assume that “awwwww” means you find their child cute.
  2. “Awwww oh my god he/she looks just like so and so”: This is a smooth getaway. Tell them the baby looks like someone you know, possibly the other parent or a sibling. This deflects the attention from the cuteness (or lack thereof) of the baby to a slightly different topic – who the baby looks like.
  3. “Awwww what does his/her shirt say? [Insert fake chuckle here] That’s so cute!”: By saying, “that’s so cute”, the parent won’t even realize you’re just complimenting the clothes and not the actual baby. Be careful with this tactic. Parents have become hip to this one. They may catch on and they may actually wait you out for that “cute compliment”. That’s when you just proceed talking about the clothing. Ask them who bought them the shirt (or whatever article of clothing). Ask them where they got it. Tell them about some cute baby clothes you saw at some store somewhere and just change the basis of the conversation altogether.
  4. “Awwww he/she is so precious!”: I like to use this one a lot. It gives the parent the same feeling and satisfaction as the “cute compliment” but only I’m actually telling the truth. I do believe all babies are precious. If you say it with just the right tone and emphasis that you would use with the “cute compliment”, it’s like music to the parents’ ears. You can also say something like “He/she is such a blessing.” I mean who can argue with that?
  5. “Awwww look at those chubby cheeks [pinch cheeks here]”: Once you’ve pinched the cheeks, proceed to talk baby talk to the baby. Just ignore the adult who is waiting by for the “cute compliment”. Just act like you are totally engrossed in having this baby talk conversation with the baby. If it’s a child that is old enough to talk, that’s even better. Then they can talk back to you. It doesn’t have to be the cheeks either. Most babies have chubby cheeks, but pick out anything. Just because the baby might be funny looking, doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t have some kind of cute or corky feature about them that you can hone in on.
  6. “Awwww oh my god he/she is getting so big! How old is he/she now?”: This is another good one. I find that parents enjoy talking about the progress, growth, and size of their children for some reason. Once you ask that question, the parent usually forgets that they’re waiting for the “cute compliment” and will start a whole conversation about the baby’s growth. They usually follow with something like: “I know, he/she can’t even fit all the 9 month clothes anymore. We have to get all 12 month clothes now.” Or “I know, the doctor said he/she is already 25 inches!” If it’s an older child, “I know, he/she will be starting pre-K next month.” Or “I know, I just bought him/her some size 3 shoes last month and he/she is already growing out of them!” Then you just proceed with the conversation from there and you’re scot-free!

I can go on with these, as I have become pretty crafty over the years when dealing with the uncomfortable situation an unattractive baby brings about. Being faced by a parent with unattractive children can be tricky business. You have to understand that the parents are never going to see the child as you do. When they look at their children they are seeing future Halle Berry’s or the next Denzel’s, and that is fine. Now, hopefully next time you are in this situation you won’t be forced to lie.

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Comments
  1. YBF says:

    You are too funny Jewel. I am laughing so hard at this post. I especially love #5. I must try to remember to use one/some of these comments if needed. Thanks.

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