Archive for May, 2012

*Update: I was finally able to figure out what I did wrong with this video. It was bugging the crap out of me. So here it is two months later (oh well) 🙂 :

Usually I like to finish off the month with a video where I recite my poetry. I just spent the past 36 hours recording, editing, losing, recovering, and trying to upload my video with no success. All my hard work down the drain…oh well. I can’t sit and dwell so here’s the next best thing. Below is the poem I wrote to close out this month’s topic of Single Ladies.

“Before I Settle Down”

Before I settle down…

Let me

Finish finding myself

Create my own idea of wealth

Solve this complicated equation of ME

Recognize my internal beauty

Uncover my heart’s true desires

Ignite my passions, light my fire

Get in tune with my spirit and soul

Mend this broken heart back to whole

Understand my privilege

Of living life so…let me live it

Before I settle down…

Can I

Window shop a little more

Make returns at love’s candy store

Float on cloud nine by way of trees

Shoot for the stars, stab at my dreams

Go a little insane

Conquer life’s game

Shop for shoes, treat myself

Nurse my psyche back to health

Learn something new, learn something useful

Like tricks of a trade so…can I allow me to do so?

Before I settle down…

I must

Work out some of these kinks

Allow myself this time to think

Get this body in tiptop shape

Flounder around in my mistakes

Keep a home, cook and clean

Calm my temper blow off steam

Drop dead weight, shed some layers

Solidify my team, pick my players

Press the clutch, get out of first gear

Assassinate and…I must murder my fears

Before I settle down…

I will

Earn my degree in the field of living

Master techniques of selfless giving

Explore until I get tired

Spark short fused and cross-wired

Dibble and dabble in whatever I please

Fall a few times, scrape my knees

Bounce back just like elastic

Recover from hurt and move past it

Hydrate my character and replenish

After all these things…I will settle down when I’m finished


This is a continuation of last week’s post. I had about twenty more but I had to make the cut off somewhere. 

6.   You’re the president of Clingy-ville:

This one happens to be one of my pet peeves. When the relationship is new and fresh, you want to spend every waking moment with the guy. You want to do everything together. Ladies, for goodness sakes give the man a little space! One of the most annoying things to a man is a clingy woman keeping tabs on him. If you call a man and leave a message, you’ve done enough. If he doesn’t return the call right away, he’s obviously busy or doesn’t wish to speak to you at the moment for whatever reason. Unless his cell phone goes straight to voicemail without ringing, you can be sure your number definitely came up on his phone. In case you didn’t know, cell phones have caller id. So yes, he knows it’s you. He has seen that you called. Especially if it’s a new guy, please have some dignity and don’t keep blowing up his phone. It’s plain ol’ pathetic and annoying. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll return your call when he gets the message. If he doesn’t, then that means he doesn’t want to talk to you. Possibly, he’s just not into you. If that’s the case, why would you want to talk to him anyway? The same thing goes for text messages. After you have sent the text for the third time, it is not necessary to send an additional text asking if he received the others. Chances are he did. If it’s your boyfriend, the same rules apply. They apply even more if you’re supposed to be having a girls’ night out or him a guys’ night out. Let him do just that! I can’t stand going out with friends and they spend the entire night calling and/or texting their boyfriends every hour on the hour to see what he’s doing. News flash! If he’s going to cheat, guess what? He’s going to cheat!

7.   You’re a walking “single” advertisement:

I can’t stand when that Beyoncé song comes on in the club, “Single Ladies”. The song isn’t that bad. It’s more so the reaction it causes amongst the ladies in the club that irks me. All the single women rush to the dance floor to do their best Beyoncé impersonations as though to say: “I am single! Hear me roar!” It’s almost like it’s every single woman’s way of letting all the cuties in the club know they’re available. Then there’s the woman who can’t wait to let a man know she’s single. At whatever social setting she’ll find any reason to work that fact into the conversation. Ladies, you don’t need to make a public service announcement to let a man know you’re single. If a man wants to know, trust me, he’ll just ask. If they don’t ask directly, they’ll try to ask indirectly. For example a man might ask: “Do you live with your boyfriend?” Now the anxious single lady can’t wait to say: “I don’t have a boyfriend!” Ladies, men enjoy a little mystery and a little chase. I’m not saying to play games, but don’t be so anxious and available. Instead of answering his question by saying you don’t have a boyfriend try just saying “no” and leave him wondering or answer his question with a question and a smile, “why do you ask?”

8.   You’re carrying unresolved baggage:

Most single women have experienced heartbreak at some point in their lives. Most of us have dealt with some lames and jerks that have done us wrong in some way, shape, or form. It hurts. It can make us angry and untrusting. If you’ve been done wrong more than once, the anger, hurt, and distrust can start to reside inside of us and become a part of us. That is why it is so important to deal with those issues. Do not, I repeat, do not start dating or get into a new relationship if you have not dealt with unresolved issues from your past experiences. You’ve heard this before: Don’t make all men pay for the mistakes of the man before. When you enter into dating before you’ve dealt with the issues, you’re entering with your guard up because you’re afraid of getting hurt again. This only stunts progress. You’re also leaving yourself wide open for those issues to dwell inside of you festering until the negativity boils over into the new relationship, spoiling it. Aside from that, the new guy does not want to keep hearing about how the last guy did you wrong. Yes, you want to have that conversation when the time is right to let him know what you’ve been through but after that…kill that noise. If you feel a need to keep singing the blues about how so and so did you wrong, you obviously have not dealt with your hurt or anger about it.

9.   You’re lame in the bedroom:

Before everyone gets up in arms about this one, I know and understand that it takes more than sex to keep a man. I also know sex is not the only reason why men cheat. However, knowing a thing or two about how to please your man definitely helps maintain a healthy relationship. I am in no way suggesting that you put out to get a man. I’m talking about once you’ve been with your guy for a while, and you feel like you’re okay with taking things to the next level. Through conversations I’ve had with women about what they do and don’t do with their guy, I’ve noticed that a lot of women are very vanilla in the bed. What I mean is they’re twenty something’s acting like sixty something’s in the bedroom. Ladies, basic missionary position ain’t cutting it these days. Don’t be lazy and boring. If you’ve never had sex with the lights on, I’m talking to you. If you’ve never danced for your man, I’m talking to you. If you’ve never been to one of those XXX stores with your guy, I’m talking to you. If doing it doggy style is your idea of spicing things up, ummm yeah you might want to look into this area of your life a little deeper. Everything is not for everyone. So of course you and your guy have to find your comfort levels. You also don’t want to use up your whole bag of tricks right away. But if you’re trying to make it last for the long haul, you must get creative and innovative in the bedroom. Keep things new and exciting so the novelty of your love making never wears off.

10. You are a gold digger:

We all know what that is. You are so concerned about what a man has financially because you are hoping to partake in some of those assets. There is nothing wrong with wanting a financially responsible partner. There is something wrong when you’re wondering what kind of car he drives before you’re wondering if he’s ever been in jail. You’re asking about his salary before you ask why he does what he does for a living. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the finer things in life. There is something wrong, in my opinion, when you enter a relationship expecting the man to sponsor all your shopping sprees. If he volunteers to do so out of the kindness of his heart, that’s a different story. What gives you the right to think you’re entitled to spend the money he has went out and worked for? Men can usually sniff out a gold digger a mile away and it is a turn off! There are a few men balling out who don’t mind gold diggers, but do you really want to be bought???

It is unbelievable how many single women are available today. I’m talking about successful, attractive, intelligent, sexy, classy, loyal, good women! As I stated in a previous post, some of us are single by choice. However, there are those women who aren’t. They’re ready for their knight in shining armor. They’re ready to settle down, but things just don’t seem to work out with the men they date for some reason. Of course we all know a large part of this is due to the slim pickings of good men that are available. Then to actually meet a good man that you’re compatible with just adds to the challenge.

It would be unfair of me to blame it all on the men. Ladies, we hold some responsibility too. It has come to my attention that we do a lot of things that turn men off or scare men off and we’re not even aware of it. Once again, I’ll say I’m a big fan of self-reflection. It is so important to examine ourselves, not to say something is wrong with us, but to take an objective view to see if there is a slight chance that it could be us. The following is a list I made based upon some things I’ve seen or heard women do or things that men have told me women have done to turn them off and/or cause them to break things off. Hopefully this will help us identify some of the things we may be doing or not doing to meet and/or keep a good man. Ladies if you fall into any of these categories, even slightly, you may want to re-examine yourself. It’s only a suggestion, and yes, I’ve been one or more of these women. So no judgment here 🙂 :

1.   You’re Miss Overly Independent:

I think the title of this category is self-explanatory. Just in case it’s not, in a nutshell you’re a do everything yourself type of gal. Because of this, a man feels no place for himself or his masculinity in the relationship. Read my previous post (titled Miss Overly Independent) for the extended explanation.

2.   Your hygiene is off putting:

I can’t tell you how many guys have told me they were dating women that they really liked, but when it was time for intimacy the stench between the woman’s legs was too outrageous (lmao). Ladies, a smelly coo will scare a man off with the quickness. There’s a lot of easy fixes for the smelly coo. The easiest being good ol’ soap and water. Also, stop wearing spandex every day. Just like you, the coo needs to breath too. The other tips I will have to do a separate post for in the future. Start with the soap and water and use it daily. The same goes for the breath and underarms. Dragon breath is not a go. If your date is making a scrunched up face while you’re talking, it could be an indication that you have the dragon breath. Of course brush your teeth and your tongue. Gargle with mouthwash. Now I know we all have those days. Maybe we missed lunch and have the hungry breath or whatever. Keep some chewing gum or mints or jolly ranchers or something on hand at all times. You never know when or where Mr. Right might approach you and you don’t want flames shooting out your mouth when that happens. As for the onion pits, once again, soap and water is the key. Of course if that’s not enough, get that deodorant poppin’ off. Lastly, this would seem like a no-brainer but apparently for some it’s not. Wash your damn face! Eye boogers and crust do not look good on anyone.

3.   Looking to meet guys in all the wrong places:

I don’t understand women who hit the club weekend after weekend hoping to meet a man they intend to have a serious relationship with. If you’re just trying to meet someone to have fun with or for a fling, then the club is fine. Hoping to meet your life’s partner there is a stretch. I’m not saying it can’t happen but most men hit the club looking for the freaks and/or just looking to have one night of fun out with the boys, not to meet his wife. After a man has seen you bump and grind all over the ten guys before him do you really think he’s thinking in his head “wow she could be the one”? Then two months down the road you get mad that he’s going out with the boys all the time. Duh! You met him while he was out partying! The internet is another one. Yes, I said the internet! Unless it’s a site that is specifically for dating and/or matchmaking, I would not suggest meeting men off the net. Outside of sites specifically geared towards dating, social networks are a joke to meet a man. I don’t care how normal or nice they seem, most men on these social networks either look nothing like their pictures, have lied about their lives to make them seem grander, are just looking to have sex, or are just plain weird. Period. Then three months down the road you wonder what he’s doing spending all his time on the internet. Duh! He’s looking for other chick’s pictures with mirror poses and sexy back shots.

4.   You’re a hoe:

Is an explanation really needed? You get around, point blank. Period. I’m not knocking you. Your kitty cat is yours to do what you want with it. Remember, it’s not always about what you do but how you do it. If you can’t go to the local bowling alley without running into one or more of the men you’ve slept with, that’s not a good look. If you’re checking out your new guy’s Facebook page and realize you’ve slept with one of his friends or cousins, that’s not a good look either. If you can’t remember the number of men you’ve slept with and did what with, you might want to pump your brakes. Supposedly there’s six degrees of separation between each person on this earth, and I believe that. Not too many men like the idea of their girlfriend or wife having slept with someone they know personally.

5.   You have chatterbox syndrome:

Sure, men like good conversation and a woman who can hold one. Taking over the entire conversation is another story. It’s rude to cut people off and a conversation should be a two-way street. You should listen as much as you talk. Going on and on about yourself is a turn off. Listening, retaining, and remembering the things a man has shared with you through conversation is a turn on. Also, a different extension of the chatterbox is the blabbermouth. You don’t need to share everything your man tells you or everything you do with your man with your girlfriends. Believe it or not, some things should stay between the two of you.

*Stay tuned for part II next week!

I’m sitting here thinking of all the reasons why women are so independent, and I’ve come up with two types of independent women. There is the one who is independent by choice and the one who has had no choice but to be independent. The woman who is by choice likes the feeling of independence, not having to ask or depend on anyone for anything, and may possibly be a little prideful. The other one has no one to turn to for help. Maybe she doesn’t have a lot of family. Maybe a specific situation has forced her into independence (i.e. divorce, death of a parent or significant other, growing up in the foster system).

We live in a world now where a woman really doesn’t need a man for anything. Forgotten is the day where the woman sits at home waiting for the man to bring home the bacon. She’s out making her own money. Because of that, she can now buy her own house, car, food, clothes, etc. Beyond creating her own financial stability, the independent woman knows how to be handy now too. She can do an oil change, fix stuff around the house, assemble furniture, and more. She can do the same things that a man can do, including making a baby. She doesn’t even need a man for sperm anymore. She can just mosey on down to the sperm bank for that. The last thing is sex. Well now there are so many nifty naughty toys that a woman can have more fun giving herself an orgasm rather than holding her breath waiting for the day when a man will give her a real one.

But guess what Miss Overly Independent. Your toys won’t talk back to you. At least I don’t think those exist yet lol (maybe I’ll have to invent that). All your piles of cash won’t hug you back. What I’m saying is there is nothing like the real thing, an actual man to share your life with. We have become so caught up in the “I can do it myself” era that we forget to let a man be a man when we date. I say “we” because I am guilty, guilty, guilty of this :). A man takes me out to dinner, and I always try to go dutch. Why? Because I need to let him know I don’t need him to buy me a meal. If he insists on paying, I always try to pay for the next dinner. I feel like I just have to even the score. I don’t like feeling like I owe anybody anything. Crazy right? I had a flat tire a couple weeks ago and I stopped at the gas station to put air in. A gentleman offered to help and before he could even get the words out good, I was telling him no thank you. The other day I was hanging out with a male friend of mine. When we got ready to leave my place I got the trash ready to go out. He tried to carry it for me but I insisted I could do it because it was light. He called me out on my overly independence (he always does) and he was right. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to take out the trash. I just thought in my head “I can do this myself. It’s not heavy”.

Ladies, a man needs to feel like a man. He needs to feel needed. This is not my opinion either. This has been directly communicated to me by men, straight from their mouths. Please believe, I am not one for stroking the male ego but when a man doesn’t feel like a man, he doesn’t feel like there’s a place for him in the relationship. The overly independent woman can end up making him feel like “Well shit she got all bases covered. Then what the hell am I here for?” I hear a lot of single women telling other single women “Oh girl he’s just intimidated by you because you’re independent.” WRONG! A real man can appreciate a woman doing her thing on her own but he is just plain ol’ turned off by the overly independent woman. I would never suggest dumbing yourself down or playing the damsel in distress, but it’s okay to let your softer side out and let a man do some things for you. No man wants to date himself ;).

We all want that special someone to settle down with. That someone who gives us butterflies on sight, who knows exactly what to say to put a smile on your face, who kisses us like we’ve never been kissed before, who listens to our stories no matter how long, who comforts us when we’re scared, who understands us and accepts us as is, with whom the passion is undeniable, who we connect with on all levels – what woman doesn’t want this?

However, some single women want it so badly that they’re on the prowl. They’re looking around every corner for him. Every time they head out to a social function, they’re secretly hoping to find him. First, I’d like to say that I’m a firm believer that when you’re not searching that’s when someone comes along. Second, I’d like to point out that men can usually sense your eagerness through your actions. That’s not a good thing for you, single lady.

There’s nothing wrong with letting a man know what you want in life and in a relationship, but there’s a time and way to do that. An associate of mine told me a story about a mutual friend of ours and how this mutual friend would ask a man his credit score on the first date because she wanted to know how responsible he was with his money. She couldn’t be with a man that had bad credit. I mean I understand not wanting to get too involved with someone financially irresponsible, but you ask this on the first date? I mean you don’t even know each other yet or how much you like him or if he even likes you. I remember when I first started dating my ex. We had only been on two or three dates, and a coworker asked me how things were going. I told her it was going cool and she said to me “Oooh maybe yal will get married!” I was thinking in my head “what the f*ck?” We had only been on a few dates. Marrying that man was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn’t even sure if I was feeling him yet!

I have seen women in action with my own eyes go out to a bar or wherever and a man starts to hit on them or try to talk to them. Within the first ten minutes I’m hearing the woman ask the man if he’s looking for a relationship or trying to put a ring on her finger. That’s just ridiculous. I understand cutting to the chase, but come on. The killer for me is when I heard a single woman telling me about a guy she had just started dating. She ran down his entire list of possessions: good job, two houses, two cars, and no kids. Based off of this she had decided that he was a good contender to settle down with in the future. Never mind getting to know him, finding out if he can make you laugh, seeing if he’s abusive, seeing if you both like doing the same things, none of that.

What is the point I’m trying to get to? Single ladies, stop acting so damn thirsty! Get to know a dude first before you size him up as marriage material. If you’re going on a date, treat it as such! Stop going on the date with your mental checklist evaluating in your head if he’s the one or not. Just enjoy the damn date and let things flow naturally. Don’t even look at is as he could end up being the one. Just look at it as a night out to have fun and converse with someone new. If it grows into something more, great. If not, no harm done. Also, never underestimate the power of self-evaluation. While you’re so busy hoping he’s the one, you may want to take a moment and make sure you have all your stuff together. I’m not talking about financially either. I mean mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You may not be the marriage material you think you are just yet either.

“The person that screams ‘Single,’ is usually the person that would do anything to be in a relationship.”

– Unknown Author

So even though I got a few more people to vote (a whopping 7 in total lol), there was still a tie as far as what topic I should cover for May. I decided to just go with single ladies because it’s a topic that’s been irking me a little lately. So I figured I’d just go ahead and get it out the way.

Whenever I talk to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while, one of the first questions to leave their lips is always “So are you seeing anyone yet?” or “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” or “I hope the next time I talk to you, you’ll tell me you’re in a relationship.” My mother has even reported back to me that when people back home in New Jersey ask her about me, they also ask those questions. We get a good laugh out of it honestly. I went to dinner with some ladies a few weeks ago, complete strangers, who wanted to give me all the dating advice in the world. The funny thing was I didn’t ask for the advice. They automatically assumed that when I said I was single that I wanted to find a man…smh. It has gotten to the point where some have even assumed that I’ve switched over to play for the other team 😮 !

For the record, I still absolutely love men and the male anatomy :). I am single by choice…SURPRISE! I know this may come as a shock to some, but not every single woman is single because she can’t find a man. Some of us just have other priorities at the moment. But I’m not going to make this whole post about me. I just wanted to put myself out there for a minute to let the other single ladies out there know they’re not alone. Aside from pure nosiness, I think a lot of people like to ask about a single woman’s dating status because they automatically associate finding that special someone with being complete and whole. In my opinion, it should work the other way around. A person needs to feel complete and whole in themselves by themselves first! Looking for someone else to complete you isn’t what it’s about.

Of course there are a lot of single women out there who aren’t single by choice. They desperately want a man in their life, usually because they are trying to keep up with other people or because they think their biological clock is ticking. This shines through in their actions. Sometimes we let society or family and friends dictate how we should live our lives. I’m here to let you know it’s okay to set your own pace for your life. Whether your biological clock is ticking or not, God has the final say of if and when you’ll be blessed with a child anyway. I will be addressing the single women who are ready to date and find that special someone and what they may or may not be doing wrong. A lot of us single women are turning guys off without even realizing it.

In conclusion, I want to tell all my single ladies, whether by choice or not, to celebrate! Being single doesn’t have to be a gloomy stigma. I personally am enjoying this break from being in a relationship where I have to be worried about lying, cheating, keeping the spark in it, tiffs about nothing, drama, etc. Some people are blessed to find their special someone on the very first try. For the rest of us, it’s a journey. Just relax and enjoy the experiences along the way. And remember, the journey is pointless if you don’t learn anything from the experiences.

“Being single doesn’t mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes being solo is wiser than being in a false relationship.”

– Unknown Author

 “Not every single girl is searching, some are actually single and satisfied.”

– Unknown Author

“Single |sin-gle| (adjective) – Too fabulous to settle.” 

– Unknown Author