Archive for February, 2012

In this day and age, the twenty-first century woman is becoming more and more liberal. For decades women have fought to have equal rights as men. In 2012 a woman can do pretty much any job a man can do. They are no longer content with being stay-at-home moms and wives. In many situations today, the woman is the breadwinner; enter “Mr. Mom”. Women can vote, get an education to the highest degree, run corporations, fix cars, and more. However, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Although taboo to think, or even say out loud, over the past three decades or so, women have elevated to an equal playing field when it comes to sex too. Men have always been allowed, and even expected, to sew their wild oats. However, the good ol’ double standard impresses upon us the belief that women should stay virgins until they are married or at least have a minimal amount of partners. Whether it is due to religion or tradition; it just is.

What society fails to notice, or maybe just fails to acknowledge, is that women have just as much of a sexual appetite as men. They think about it just as much as men do. Just like men, they discuss it in detail with their close circle of friends too.

So now we have the “sex with no strings” woman. This type of woman has been around for a while, but in recent years she has been more publicized through reality TV, video vixens, etc. Is this because women are becoming more comfortable with their sexuality or is it just the fact that sex sells? I don’t know. Either way, she’s arrived.

I am not talking about the broke scallywag chic that just gets around the hood because she has nothing better to do with her life or her coochie. I’m talking about the new age independent woman who has everything she wants and needs and can buy whatever she doesn’t. She carries herself like a lady, but behind closed doors she enjoys “gettin’ buck” (to put it plainly). Mr. Right may have not found her yet or she might just be a bachelorette by choice.

Speaking from experience, I would agree that the single life could get lonely sometimes. We all know that no amount of cash can hug you back at night, and Mr. Rabbit doesn’t compare to the real deal. So I can understand a woman wanting to get her cobwebs knocked out from time to time. The “sex with no strings” woman believes she can, like a man, have sex with a man and it be just about that. No phone call the next day is necessary.  She may even have a “friend with benefits”, but is she really happy or ok with this? Is she just telling herself she’s ok with it through justification?

What is she thinking when she finds some fresh meat she likes? Is it “I can hit it n quit it. Men do it all the time!” or is it “I don’t know if I really want to do this, but what other choice do I have at the moment? It’s not like I have a boyfriend.” I mean what is really going through her mind the next morning? Is it “Mmmm that was just what I needed! I feel refreshed!” or is it more like “I can’t believe I did that sh*t last night! What was I thinking?” I think that if it’s a one-night stand (not speaking from experience), she can probably be ok with it because she doesn’t know the guy and hopefully she’ll never have to see him again. Plus, it’s not like she’d fall in love or have a real emotional attachment to the guy the very first night. Right?

However, what about the “friend with benefits”? Does that work the same way? I would think not, because they have another relationship outside of the sex. That means not only is she going to see him outside of the bedroom, but she’ll be expected to carry on as normal. Not to mention, there is no exclusivity in most cases. So she also has to be prepared to hear him talk about and see him with other women. I believe women are territorial beings by nature. So how could that not bother her? In addition, if they’re already friends she already must hold some fond feelings for him.

Well I guess she can “offset” the friend with benefits by keeping a team or “roster” of other casual encounters. Maybe? Or does that just make her a common, casual hoe? A single guy who keeps a roster of women is just a regular ol’ single guy right?

Either way, the point I’m making is that I don’t think women are naturally built to have sex with no strings attached. Women are emotional creatures by nature. That’s why we get upset over silly stuff, have mood swings, and cry all the time. Duh! That’s why women who play “the other woman” role get caught up and end up falling for that married man. They think they have control over their emotions and the situation, but at some point they catch feelings and want more. I do, however, think a woman can probably have sex with no strings and be ok only if she doesn’t really know the man or doesn’t really like the man. Let’s be real, how many of us are going to have sex with someone we don’t like?

So I leave you with this: Is a woman really able to separate her emotions from sex with a man? If she is, is she really and truly happy with living her life having sex with no strings attached or is she simply just trying to convince her self of that for the sake of keeping up with the single man – the “anything you can do, I can do better” mentality?

Here in American culture we have the freedom to choose our husbands and wives. When talk of arranged marriages reaches the tongues of Americans it’s usually with a bitter taste. We cannot fathom the thought of having our parents or a matchmaker choosing our spouse to be. Why is that?

I’ll tell you why. We are a shallow country who places looks toward the top of our lists when seeking out a mate. Not only that, we loooooove to marry for love. I’m not saying you shouldn’t love the person you are marrying, but why is it that our marriages don’t seem to last as long as those of arranged marriages?

Although not as common these days, there are still some Indian, Asian, and African cultures that partake in arranged marriages. I have to admit, a lot more thought and preparation goes into those marriages than ours. They are not matched based upon looks and love. The parents do their research! What kind of reputation do the families have? Can the groom support a family? Does he seem like he’ll make a good father and husband? Do the two families live near each other? How many times do we see marriages fail because the couples go into it based on love and faith that these types of things will just work out? Instead of waiting for these issues to interfere and possibly fail the marriage later, these arranged marriage families do their due diligence up front. It makes sense to me!

Whether it is your parents or a matchmaker that would arrange the marriage; they have more life experience and wisdom than you. They have been through their own marriages, and most likely know more about love and marriage than you, the unmarried novice. If your parents have raised you your entire life, chances are they know you! They know your likes and dislikes, and they have nothing but your best interest at heart. Why wouldn’t you trust them to pick out a worthy spouse for you?

I once worked with an Indian woman who had an arranged marriage. She was very happy with her life and family. After she showed us (me and some other co-workers) a picture of her handsome husband and children, we asked her how was it having an arranged marriage. She went on to explain to us how fortunate her experience was. She said something to the effect: “You both come into the marriage as an adventure because you didn’t pick each other. The best part about it is that you get to grow and learn alongside of that person. You are both at the same place so you learn each other as you go along this journey together and the love just develops on its own naturally”. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a beautiful experience to me.

I also worked with a Pakistani woman once. She was in the process of finding her husband through a matchmaker. Although matchmaking is a little different because the woman does get to kind of “pre-screen” her husband to be and can also call off the engagement if she wants. She still made a very good point. She said “You guys (meaning us Americans) just date and date a guy for all these years trying to get to know them before you get married just to find out after three years he’s not the one for you. Or you date for three years, spend a year engaged, stay married for two and then get divorced! What is the point of that!”? It made me laugh but it made me think too. You have to admit, she does have a point.

I guess all I’m saying is we tend to look at arranged marriages as “Aw those poor women. They have to get stuck with some man they didn’t even choose”. From those I’ve spoken to, I’ve only heard good things about their marriages. They seem to have their priorities and values straight when it comes to it. Maybe we could stand to take a page from their books on marriage; just a thought.

Most women are in love with the idea of being in love. From the time we are pre-teens we imagine what our perfect man will be like. Through our years of growing and developing we tend to develop sort of a checklist. Whether it be a mental checklist or an actual written document (yes some women actually have it written out), the list seems to get longer the older we get. I suppose this is because over time and through our dating experiences we are discovering annoyances as well as new qualities that we cannot deal with or that we would like to have in a mate.

A lot of those qualities start to become must-haves. With women bringing more to the table professionally and financially, I would say the stakes are even higher today. This is because we are expecting our mate to match or surpass us with what they bring to the table. I have heard must-haves such as must believe in God, must have a car, must make “x” amount of money, must have no kids, must have a big johnson, must be this tall, must be clean, must dress this way or that way, and the list goes on. To some, these must-haves may seem like realistic bare minimums. To others, this is asking for too much.

I do have a list of my own, but I do think that some things on my list are a little demanding. So that’s where the question arises of where to compromise. I had a conversation with a male friend a few days ago. He told me he was dating a woman who was cool but was lacking ambition. To him it was a major turn off.  He went on to tell me that she told him his standards were too high. Women are told this all the time so it was refreshing to know that men hear it too.

Just like many other women out there (men too apparently), I’ve been told my standards are too high. I don’t believe there is such thing. What I went on to explain to my friend is that he is a “high quality individual”. When I speak of the high quality individual, I’m not speaking solely in terms of material things. He is a decent looking man, works out and takes care of his health, believes in a higher power, independent, respectful, honest, fun, values himself and his family. He has an incredible thirst for education. He’s in the final semester of completing his master’s degree, and has recently landed a job he enjoys with CNN. He is a black man who is deeply rooted to his people, has not forgotten where he comes from, and considers it part of his duty to help his brothers and sisters of his community any way he can. This is a high quality person.

So if you consider yourself to be a high quality individual, then why shouldn’t you want a high quality mate? It only makes sense! I mean you wouldn’t put regular gas in a Lamborghini right? No, you’re going to put the most premium of the premiums. Why should this be any different? Ideally this is the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with and, in most cases, start a family with.

I think, as women get older, specifically around the thirties, they get panicky. We have pressures from society, our families, and even ourselves to hurry and get married so we can start having babies. Because Mr. Right hasn’t found us yet, we start to feel like maybe our standards are too high. We start trying to force-fit men that we know are not up to our standards into our little puzzle. Ladies stop trying to settle! I am here to back you and support you in having your high standards. If you are truly a high quality individual, then wait for your high quality match! Who cares what everyone else is doing and saying. Some people get content, and don’t mind settling. If you haven’t settled in any other areas in your life, why should this be any different?

With that being said, be realistic and be prepared to compromise. Compromise is obviously part of any relationship. If the guy is not pushing a Benz, I don’t think that should automatically rule him out as undateable. However, if he’s a smoker and you know you can’t stand smoke; don’t waiver. Why should you have to die a slow death from second-hand smoke for the sake of settling? Okay, maybe I’m a little biased on the smoker comment (lol), but you catch my drift.