I’m embarrassed to admit this but last year I was asked by a handful of different men if I used to be a man. I have no idea why they asked me because I don’t think I look like a man [shrugs shoulders] and my voice is definitely far from deep. The question was usually asked when I started out with, “I have something I have to tell you.” So I’m wondering if this is some kind of common occurrence or finding out a woman used to be a man is like the worst-case scenario for a man or what. Whatever the reason, it got me to thinking.

I remember posing this question to a former co-worker. We used to talk about all kinds of random stuff at work (good times). He was one of those real honest, down to earth, open types. So I asked him if he was dating a woman that was really attractive and that he’d grown to really like, would he continue dating her if he found out she’d been born a male. Surprisingly he told me he would. He said as long as everything was “done” nicely and it looked official, it wouldn’t change his feelings. She was still the same person at heart.

I wasn’t expecting that to be his answer so it got me to wondering if there were more people out there who felt the same. If you were dating someone for a while and really started falling for them, and then they told you they were born the opposite sex. They had a sex change. Would you feel betrayed or would you understand why they didn’t tell you right away? Would you be able to just switch off all of your feelings for them or would you still want them in your life? Would you be ashamed to tell anyone or would you not care?

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“I believe women sometimes forget some men where brought up to love, to care, and to have a little bit of emotion.” These are the words of one of my male readers who suggested I blog about this. Ladies, ladies, ladies I have to say be careful what you ask for. You might just get it 🙂 ! Women often say they want a man who is more on the sensitive side, a man who is in touch with his emotions, a man who is not afraid to show how much he loves and cares. So when you get all of this why is it a problem? Below I’ve listed out a few reasons why it’s a problem.

Women don’t know what they want: Yeah, I said it. We say we want good men. But when we get one, we’re bored because he’s not as exciting as the bad boy. We say we want a strong manly man. Yet, we don’t want to be submissive or relinquish any control. We still need it to be known we’re just as strong and independent. In the same way, we say we want a man with sensitivity but when we get one he’s just too damn soft. All of a sudden he’s just not man enough.

Balance is key: Okay, so yes, we want some sensitivity. But there has to be some balance. We don’t want you being soft all the time. Being sensitive and caring doesn’t have to mean being a “yes man”. It doesn’t mean you have to save the entire world every single day. You can take some days off from being Mr. Nice Guy. We don’t want to see you crying over every little thing. We want you to do things like listen and be affectionate and sentimental when it’s time but we also want you to pull our hair, smack us on the ass, and tell us to hush (in that non-disrespectful playful type of way) every now and again. Don’t be so loving and caring of everyone that you’re just an overall pushover.

The “who” plays a part: When you say you were brought up to love and care, who are you talking about? Sure, we want you to be that way with us but not the entire world; at least not all the time. Family is important and of course they should be able to count on you but you can’t save every single mother, brother, sister, cousin, uncle from every single bind they’re in. Sometimes you need to step back and let them fly on their own instead of being so engrossed in helping them that you let your own love boat sink. Also, the hot, single, M.I.L.F. from next door doesn’t need too much of your love and caring either. She needs someone to cut her grass. Tell her to hire landscapers. When a woman says she wants a man with sensitivity and who cares and all that jazz, she intends for that sensitivity to be directed towards her.

nice guys

When I asked for blog suggestions, one of my male friends suggested this topic. I told him I’d have to do some research because I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t even realize that women are leery of good guys. So now I turn to you, my readers. Why are women leery of good guys? Is it because they’ve been hurt in the past by so-called “good guys”? Is it because they seem too good to be true? Perhaps these women are so used to failed relationships or meeting the wrong types of guys that when they meet a good one they’re just looking for that fatal flaw or waiting for him to reveal his true self. Or is it that women are not leery at all? Maybe good guys just aren’t exciting enough for them. I’ve seen it before. A woman has a good guy in her life, willing to do all the right things that go into treating a lady like a lady. But for some reason she’s just not interested. She rather go after, or stick with, the guy who treats her like crap. The guy who is disrespectful or the guy who lies and cheats or the guy who is just a flat out bum seems to reap more benefits. I touched on this a little bit in my post Laws of Attraction. Maybe some women subconsciously desire and enjoy being mistreated by men. Or is it simply just the laws of nature that nice guys finish last? You tell me.

This is another blog topic suggested by a reader. I’ve decided to break it into two different posts, though, because it seems like two different topics to me. The first part of his suggestion talked about a new relationship he’s in where his love interest doesn’t understand his closeness to his family. The other part of the suggestion went into how women don’t understand that some men were brought up to love, care, and show emotion. That part I’ll get into in a separate post.

My Experience…

As for the family man, this is something I have firsthand experience with. I find it happens more with men than women too. Men are usually the ones who are more close-knit with their family than women are with theirs. My ex is extremely family-oriented. I knew this in the beginning because he told me. He also told me that was one of the issues he and his ex-wife had. He also shared another story with me about another woman he dated before me and how her disrespect towards his family caused a huge fight and breakup between them. I never did get the full clear details on that. All I know is that our first weekend away together he invited his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. He never asked me if I minded. He just kind of told me they were coming. It even went as far as him inviting them to stay the night in our hotel room and suggesting that his brother’s girlfriend and I share our bed. Mind you, this was my first time meeting either one of them. So this made me very uncomfortable, but I know in his mind he was thinking we’re just one big happy family. Thankfully, they declined the invitation to spend the night but we did have a nice evening together. I could go on with more examples, like the first time he forced me to meet his parents, but I won’t. The point is, I knew going into it how close he was to his family. So it was something that I tried to suck up and make the best of.

Compatibility matters 

Not to say that women don’t do it too because they do, but men are sometimes attached to their families in a different way than women are. Fellas, what you have to understand is that just because you love your family and you love doing everything with them and you love being around them all the time doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily love them. You have to balance it out. Sometimes she just wants some you and her time. What types of families you come from also plays a part in this. For example, my ex’s family was very wholesome and kind of like the Cosby family and my family … well let’s just say my family is not lol. It’s a fortunate situation when your significant other meets the family and they just click but it doesn’t always happen that way. You have to give everybody a chance to warm up to one another and see all the great things that you see in your family.

 

Can’t stand the heat, get out the kitchen! 

The last factor I want to point out is that no matter how much you tell her to just be herself, she can’t do that! Not fully. Just think about all the ways she touches and caresses you when you’re alone. Think about all the inappropriate jokes you share. Think about all those little flirty things she says to you. She has to turn allll of that off and turn on all filters when she’s around your family. So the more she’s around your family, the less of herself she gets to be and that’s an uncomfortable feeling. So to the men out there, who are attached at the hip to their family members, make sure your lady is fully aware of that up front! There are women out there who absolutely love doing the family thing. They can’t wait to be up under them. Maybe they like to show they can love the people you love. Maybe they think it means they’re on the road to becoming Mrs. [enter your last name]. I don’t know but there are women out there who don’t mind being around the family all the time. Find you one of those! And to the women out there, there could be worse things your man is into besides his family. If doing the family thing is bothersome for you, date men who aren’t close to their families or maybe their families live far away or something. You have two choices: 1. Run for the hills or 2. Suck it up and deal with it! If you’re really into the man, you’ll find a way to be into his family as well. Either way, you need to decide early on because you’re replaceable but his family is not. Furthermore, if you’re in it for the long haul then you’ll be dealing with his family for a very long time.

Photo credit: Innovative Insight

I just took a trip down memory lane (in my head) and boy o’ boy have I done a lot of dating. Maybe that’s why I’m really ok with being single. I’ve seen what’s out there in my young 29 years lol. Ladies, you know those first dates where you immediately know there definitely won’t be a second one? That’s what I’m talking about. So I thought it’d be fun to do a little recap of my worst first dates. Here goes the countdown!

5. The Mixer – I don’t even remember his name but I met him while I was Downtown Newark, walking around doing a little shopping. He drove to my house to “pick me up”. When I got outside he asked me if I could drive us in his car. I think I refused (thinking how weird it was) and just decided to just drive us in my own car; since he was giving such a hard time about driving his own car. I can’t remember how the conversation was. All I remember is that he took his knife that had mayo on it and stuck it into the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup out. That was it for me. I was so grossed out and I explained to him why. I even said, “What about the next person who comes to use the ketchup? Now there’s mayo in there!” Not only did he not get how disgusting this was, he went on to explain that he did it all the time with a variety of condiments. I know this one isn’t that bad but I’m pretty particular about certain things. Let’s keep going…

4. The Cheapskate – I went to middle and high school with this guy. Years later we ran into each other at a BBQ and he asked me out. I obliged. We went to Applebee’s. I don’t know but to me Applebee’s is not overly expensive. I mean it’s not the dollar menu but it’s no five-star restaurant either. We each had one drink and shared an appetizer. That was all. He complained the whole time about the prices. Over the course of the night our waitress seemed to have disappeared and just never came back. So when we were ready to go, he jokingly suggested we dip on the bill. He told me to go ahead and I really thought he was joking. Plus I knew I wasn’t paying so I walked out. He came out shortly after. It wasn’t until we were riding home that he told me he was serious and that he really hadn’t paid the bill. He blamed it on the waitress taking too long but really he was just cheap, cheap, cheap.

3. Don’t even know what to call ‘em – I met this guy online. We live in the Internet age. I’m not ashamed to admit that! We agreed to meet up and do movies then dinner. I was 10 minutes late. Anyone who knows me knows I’m pretty much always late. I’m not saying it’s ok. I won’t even make any excuses. I’ll just say it’s something I’ve been working to improve and I’m still a work in progress 🙂 . Well … when I made it to the movie, he just couldn’t let it go. I think we might’ve missed a preview. I apologized several times but there was nothing else I could do. He just kept bringing it up the whole entire date and not jokingly. It really really bothered him. I finally had to threaten to just go home if he couldn’t stop bringing it back up. It didn’t end there, though. Then he asked to see my hands so he could check my nails for red nail polish, explaining that he hated red nail polish because it looks like blood. I passed the fingernail test but when I told him my feet were painted red, he insisted that if we continued to talk I’d have to get rid of it. Wtf? The final straw for me was when he told me, “I don’t date really really pretty girls. You know like the really pretty ones. They’re just too high maintenance and they think they’re better than me.” My reply was a goofy look and, “Well thanks a lot.” He tried to fix his statement but there was no recovery from that. He continued to ask me out several times after that, and it’s a shame because he was very attractive, but I just kept declining. Me and my average ass..

2. The drunk – This guy was a friend from my woodshop class in high school (loved woodshop). Not sure if it counts as an official date since it was high school but anyway… I want to say he was Russian but don’t quote me on that. I just remember he had a heavy accent. We made plans to go to the movies. He was older and I remember he’d just gotten his first car. So he picked me up and we took off. He’s swerving and all kinds of stuff. Halfway through the drive he whips out a flask of whiskey and asks if I want some as he turns it up. My eyes popped out of my head, thinking I was gonna die that night. I politely declined and he had the nerve to say, “Come on, you’re not gonna drink none? I see you hanging out with such n such and such n such. I thought you were cool.” Really dude? You’re going to peer pressure me like a bad scene straight out of a 90’s commercial? Ha! When we got to the movies he passed the entrance. So he backed up on Route 22. Now some of you are not familiar with NJ but let me tell you. Route 22 is not the place to be backing up. It’s a highway that I’m still scared while driving on it. Well cool or uncool, I was still sort of interested in making it to see my 18th birthday and finding out what that was like. So about 15 minutes into the movie, I said I was going to the restroom but went and called my mama to come save me instead.

1. Part-time boxer/part-time thug – I met this one at a college party. He was a boxer, cute smile, and very funny. Everyone knows I’m a sucker for the funny guy. Now that I think about it, I think this might’ve been our second date because the first one we doubled. Oh well! We went to the movies. Upon pulling in the parking lot he says, “hold on”. He reaches behind him and pulls a gun out of his pants. Now that I’ve had a little more gun experience, I think it was only a 45. Still, at that time, it was the biggest gun I’d seen. He casually says, “put this in your purse for me”. Now, most people would’ve bailed at this moment, but me being the silly person I am, I broke out in hysterical laughter. After confirming that it was real, I just found the whole scene hilarious. I think it was the way he calmly and casually asked me like he was asking me to hold his keys or his wallet or … or … or anything but a big ass gun! I didn’t even know him well enough to be asking me that. He kept saying since it was just the two of us and he was wearing a big chain, he needed the protection in case anything popped off. Plus he didn’t feel like being uncomfortable in the theater with the gun tucked in his pants. To add insult to injury, later on I found out that he’d lied about his age and he was still in high school. Well I’ll be damned.

So there you have it folks! I guess it could’ve been worse. I hope I never find out lol.

I was having a conversation with my sister not too long ago about my dating prospects. I was explaining to her how I’m still not really ready to date yet because I’m still working on getting myself together. She asked me what I meant and I ran down a short list, with the main priority being acquiring employment. She was saying how I shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t have everything 100% together going into the dating scene basically because nobody is perfect and nobody ever really has it all together at one time. I expressed to her how I still felt like I need to have at least the basics together, and having a job is part of that. Mind you, my mama didn’t raise no fool. So I didn’t just save for a rainy day; I saved for a rainy season (and it’s a good thing I did). So I wouldn’t expect a man to take care of me financially, or anything like that. I’m still very much holding my own. It’s just the principle to me. I believe that if I expect certain things in a potential partner, I should be able to bring those same things to the table to match him.

I’ve been actively searching for a new job for about a year now and it’s been hard. It’s not just me. I know several people who are facing the same challenge. Blame it on the economy. Blame it on whatever you’d like. The fact remains that a lot of people are out of work right now. I know people who have had to move in with parents. Some have went back to school. Others have taken jobs way below their standards and capabilities. My question is, would you date someone who is unemployed? Of course there are always going to be bums who just never work and have no desire or motivation to find jobs. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about a man/woman who has their head on straight and is just really facing a hard time at the moment. You see them actively searching and going on interviews or they’ve returned to school full-time. Would you date them or do you feel like their lack of employment will cause the relationship to suffer? Do you think they should place full priority and focus on the job search and just nix the fun dating stuff until they’re successful in that search?

Having been single for the majority of my 20’s, this is a question I’ve been asked more than a lot. I’ve read other blog posts and opinions about this question to find that it offends most single women. I’ll admit, for a time I did too. Some women take that question as a suggestion that something might be wrong with them. It wasn’t until I took some serious time off from the dating scene entirely to do some self-evaluation that I realized my being offended by the question was just my insecurity shining through. I almost felt like I was under attack when a man would ask me that. Fast-forward to the present and now the question doesn’t bother me so much as confuse me. I think it’s because I have a better understanding of the question and the intent behind it. Men usually ask a woman why she’s single because of one of the following reasons:

1. They’re generally dumb and don’t think before they ask.

2. They’re just making conversation. They’re not seriously looking for a profound answer.

3. In their mind they think it’s a pickup line or compliment: “Someone as beautiful as you, how is it possible you’re still single?” (So lame, I know…)

4. They’re out of dating practice and nervous.

Fellas, it’s all about your phrasing. It’s better to be more specific and say what you actually mean. I know that most of you aren’t implying that something is wrong with the woman when you ask her that but that’s not how it translates to us. Try asking her “Are you single by choice or you just haven’t met the right person yet?” or “Is there any specific reason why you’re single?” See men don’t realize what this question does to a single woman when left open-ended like that. You are basically asking her to self reflect on the spot. She has to search inside and look for the answer to your question. In searching she’s running through all her insecurities in her head thinking, “Damn, why am I still single?” She’s also thinking that you must be picking up on some flaw of hers for you to even ask her that.

Ladies, the men who ask you that probably don’t have a clue, and simply just don’t know how to talk to a woman. Although I still don’t totally understand the question, I do know he’s usually not implying that you’re ugly, stupid, or crazy. And the reason I don’t understand the question is because I think it’s one that doesn’t require explanation. Why can’t it just be something that just is? The same way I’m the youngest child, the same way my birthmark is where it is; these things just are. No one has ever asked me why I have two freckles on my nose. They’re just there in the same way that I’m just single 🙂 .